Working mother VS stay home mother....
I’ve always known that I wanted children just as much as I wanted
a career. From the time I was old enough to work (well… maybe a
little later, for the sake of not sounding too dramatic. I wouldn't want you to
think that at 15 years old, I was already on the grind earning my dollars!),
I've been working.
Then I had my beautiful children…
Did the prospect of being a stay
home mom, to focus on my children, husband and be the household manager ever
present itself as a serious thought for me? NO. I could never be a stay home mom,
not only because our household requires 2 incomes to function properly, but
also because I need the stimulation, the daily change from home to the working
environment. At home, I challenge myself to be the best mom and wife I can, and
the rewards are instant (loving, devoted me + clean house = happy home),
however for me, I know it would have been an overwhelming situation if that was
my day-in and day-out life. At work, I earn an identity other than “mom”. I get a
certain stimulus from interacting with adults, a joy from knowing that I’m a positive contributor to the workplace,
and a satisfaction with knowing that I’m a role model to my kids (in this
particular aspect of life). But mostly, I get the reward of bringing home that
additional pay check, which allows our family to have a better financial
structure.
Just as much as I know for a fact
that I wasn’t meant to be a stay home mom, 2 months ago, something happened
that made me question myself as a mother. It made me question my priorities and
whether or not I’ve had it all wrong for the past 12 years…
I have two beautiful children; my
son is 12 and my daughter is 9. When Jayson was born, it was an easy
adjustment. I used to call him my handbag, because everywhere I went, he was there
right along with me. Quiet and easy going, he was a joy to have around and even
for anyone to baby-sit. Having a child wasn’t as daunting a task as I’ve heard
it could be. Between my husband and I, I was able to go back to work full time
after 2 ½ months of maternity leave, and we were able to keep him out of day care
until he turned 2.
3 years later, my little princess
Jazzmine came along and that’s when I truly felt that I had a family, because things
weren’t as stress-free anymore. Who carries 2 handbags? It’s not as easy
to ask someone for help when you have to watch 2 instead of 1. With the support
of family and great friends, we made it work. As I spent the last decade of my
life building a career for myself, while maintaining what I believe to be a
good family structure, I didn’t notice that my priorities (or the way I managed
them) were skewed towards work. From time to time, I would have an
inclination that I needed to spend more time with my kids. It became obvious when
I would come home and hear the fun stories of what they did with daddy. It
became more obvious when we realized that all the scheduled activities Jazzy
wanted to be involved in, were all catered to stay-home moms (and their open schedules).
Unfortunately, she never got to be involved them, whereas Jayson was luckier.
I have been looking at my kids
lately and thinking; they are well adjusted, well behaved, happy kids but more
and more, the guilt in the pit of my stomach was making my days away from home
and them really unsettling. Was it guilt or was it just being exhausted and
needing a break from the 100
MPH lifestyle I was living, trying to be “Wonder Woman”.
I was starting to realize that, what I thought may have been a work of art in
juggling all my responsibilities, wasn’t as perfect as I thought…
Two months ago, I came home and on
our kitchen calendar there was a permission slip for a volunteer chaperon on a
school activity for Jazzmine’s class; she had filled in my name, her name, her
grade and on the part that asked what time the parent would be available she
wrote in capital letters, “NEVER”.
I was standing in front of my
calendar, reading those 5 letters over and over, with my coat still on, my bag
in one hand and groceries in the other and I felt deflated. The kids were
upstairs with their dad and at this point, no one had realized that I was home.
I went into my room and while tears were falling down my cheeks, I was making
the decision that my children were more important than any career and things
had to change. Quickly, my mind was going, and while getting dinner ready, I
decided that I needed to quit my job. I had to find a 9 to 5, anything that
would allow me to be a chaperon, carpool mom, soccer mom, or cheerleader mom… all
those things that I now knew I
needed to do, in order to be the perfect mom.
My daughter came downstairs with
her joyous self and gave me a hug. I showed her the slip and asked her if
that’s how she really saw things and very matter-of-factly she said, “Well
mommy, you always work so I know you’ll never do it but that’s okay, I don’t
care”. The
fact that she meant what she wrote and tried to make me feel good about it by
saying she didn’t care, pained me even more. The fact that my 9 year old cared
more about protecting my feelings, than declaring what she wanted most, just
emphasizes how wrong I had been.
That night, I went through the
motions of our evening ritual. After the kids went to bed, I went into my
bedroom and sat there for what seemed like hours, until my husband came to lie
down. As soon as I told him we needed to talk, I started crying hysterically.
I had let down the most important people in my life by choosing not to see. Now
confronted with my failure, I was lost. Through my tears, I told him something
had to give. I was going to scale down and focus on my baby girl and all the
things she had been missing out on. He listened to me, while rocking me and
trying to calm me down.
My husband finally held my head in
his hands and said, “Baby, what do you need from me? Whatever you want to do, I
will support you but instead of wanting to take such extreme decisions, which
truly are not necessary and wouldn’t make you happy, why don’t you look at the
little things you could do that mean the world to her and will keep you doing
what you love. On your day off, set up mommy/daughter day, where you pick her
up from school, instead of her going to the afterschool program and let her
choose what she wants to do. Go on date with her and you’ll see how you’ll make
her day, how she will look forward to those special moments with you and this without you having to compromise your career…”
Stay-home mom VS working mom, for
me, it has never been an option. I always envisioned myself working, although
my priority has always been my children. I was willing to give up what I knew
fulfilled me as a person (outside of motherhood), so I could be a better mom
instead of finding the balance that would’ve allow me to be a better manager of
my life.
Since that conversation with my
husband, my daughter and I have lunch dates, spa days, cuddle time, and she
signed herself up for the basketball league at her school. I have found time to
go and be a cheerleader at her games, instead of telling her she couldn’t
because my schedule doesn’t allow it. I’ll never have an 8 to 5 schedule but the schedule that I have
will have to make place for my kids.
Again, we go back to “If I’m happy
than you’ll be happy”, and finding that right balance for your life.
Love always,
RosieSandz
