Friday, February 10, 2012

I'm not who I use to be...

I look at myself in the mirror and the reflection of who I see is not the reflection of the person I know to be me…

Where did I let go of myself? When did I let myself go? When did the changes occur? And why do I have the hardest time getting me back?

At work today, when getting ready to leave the store, one of my staff members came out of the fitting changed out of his uniform and looking very fresh and simply well put together, my other supervisor and I looked at him and I said “where are you going looking this cute?” In a very matter a fact tone and quickness he replied “I’m going home…this is how you keep your man ladies!”
Wow… I laughed, though it was cute that this young man was trying to give me tips on how to keep a man.

Now 5 hours later I’m still thinking about what he said… “That’s how you keep a man”; and the more and more I think about it the more I realize for some people he is right.
My circumstances are nowhere close to his as far as the responsibilities I have like i.e.: professional responsibilities, years of marriage under my belt, a house to maintain and mainly my 2 beautiful kids to raise but I realize that I’m using those responsibility to justify not keeping up with myself the way that I use to and should so in that sense he is right.Why can't I be the way I use to be? I'm not saying that I don't like the person that I've become but saying I'm sometimes disconnected to "her"
We all have have our struggles, personal demons, things, thoughts and fears that seem to come into our lives unbidden, at a time when we are most vulnerable and hence seem to make whatever we are going through much more intense. Don’t we owe it to ourselves to be the best of what we can be? And for the ones whom share our lives isn't it like pulling the rug from under their feet when we do a complete 180? How do I keep him in my life when I'm not the person he meet and the new me is at time foreign to myself? Is the way to maintain a relation base on shallowness behavior?

What I’m going to say I believe many of us could and will relate, when in a relation, with years we become complacent. We take for granted and develop a sense of security where our appearances take a back seat in our line of priorities.
God bless my hubby, every time I ask him about the way I look or the way I am and he always answers “you really have not changed much”. So either he is a very smart and knows when he is starting to trade on thin lines, or a bad liar or he is going blind either way I’m not getting anything out of him.
Personally I’m torn because while vanity has to do with the changes I’m experiencing; I’m convinced my physical self as change as much as my mental self…

Where I use to sleep with nighties…now I wear my husband boxer shorts and thank tops.
Where I would dress up for a trip to the grocery store…now a pair of sweat is my favourite outfit.
Where I use to be on top of the fashion trend…now “boring” “safe” classic is the way to go…
Where I use to go out all time… I've become uninterested
Where I use to hang out with my friends…I’ve become a bit of a loner
Where I use to love cooking…It is now more a necessity than a joy

Who are you? I often ask the reflection in the mirror... And then life goes on... life goes on because I've learn  that "When we get things the way we like them, we usually don’t want them to change. But they will change. It’s a fact of life. We cannot keep things the way we want them to be … instead, it’s better to learn to accept things as they are. Accept that the world is constantly changing, and we are a part of that change. Also, instead of wanting things to be “perfect” (and what is perfect anyway?), we should accept that they will never be perfect, and we must accept good instead."
And maybe because he can see beyond the superficial that's how I keep my man!

         Love me Always...

1 comment:

  1. I really struggled writing this post and although I blogged it, I have to confess that I'm not happy with it..
    My brain, my soul is thinking in a way that I'm not able to convey the true sentiment.
    My apologies...


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