I got woken up yesterday with a sweet kiss and the sweetest “Happy
Anniversary” whisper. It felt different, it felt special. I got up, wrote my
little post on Facebook about how time flies and (I guess) how clearly I’m
aware of the effort we've put forth and how appreciative I am of the results.
I got to work and my assistant asked me how I felt. It was our
15th anniversary and the fact that it falls on Valentines Day is an added bonus,
I guess. How excited was I? I don't think what I felt was excitement, and
actually the more I think about it, the only word I can come up with is “Wowed”!
Yes, I was amazed!
“I am wowed”, I told her, with a big smile. In addition to love,
it took lots of hard work for us to be where we are, and to celebrate 15 years
of marriage, the life and love that we made…WOW!
No one will ever hear me brag about having the perfect marriage,
the perfect man or that I’m the perfect wife. You will hear me brag about the
fact that I have learned, worked and grown within our relationship and we are
where we are because we’ve committed to making it work. Really, I look over my
shoulder and re-live our history and I’m amazed by the good, the bad, the
irreplaceable, the joyous, the sad, the scary, the milestones, the
accomplishments, the deceptions, the rewards, the losses and the blessings we’ve
accumulated over the years. I’ve said it before; that we are not an example to
follow, and my purpose in sharing my experiences and stories is not to come
across as Mrs. Know-it-all. We are not the spokespersons for the “How to make a
marriage work” organization; we are only the result of the choices we’ve
decided to make. What worked for us, the compromises and decisions we decided
to take, may not be decisions suitable for another couple, however, it worked
perfectly for us and that’s why we are where we are today.
I mean, it took and still takes lots of patience, sprinkled with
God’s grace to deal with my husband’s habits (and peculiar behavior at times),
especially since the dust of lust has settled, the honeymoon years are WAY back
there in our past, and cupid has taken back his arrow to find brand new lovers. I've also
always said that I’m an advocate of living together before getting married,
because if you don’t, the things you are going to find out after the he
“cantdonothingwrongyears” will make you feel like you married the devil’s
brother or got tricked into a bad joke!
So, sitting at my desk tonight, I started to write down the things
I’ve learned and feel have carried us through the 15 years we've been
married. I want to share it with you all, while keeping in mind that I’m
not here to teach anyone how “it” works; however, I feel in this instance, most
of you who will read my “15 musts” (1 for every year we've been
married) will not only appreciate but relate and agree.
Here they are, in no particular order, as they are all very
important.
1. Laugh: The hubby and I get into this endless hysterical laughs,
he comes up with the craziest jokes and stories and most of the time, it’s just
about us and our silliness. This lightens up our days and nights; nothing beats
a good laugh…
2. Fairy tales of happily-ever-after don’t exist; life tales of
making-it-ever-after do. Thinking your marriage is going to be a lasting
success just because you’re in love is a BIG mistake. Tina Turner said it best
“What’s love got to do with it?”
3. Compromise is that nasty prescription pill you have to take to
make things better. Pick your battles, not everything is worth an argument;
knowing you are right doesn’t always need to be validated, sometimes letting go
is worthwhile.
4. No one is perfect. Don’t elevate your spouse to a pedestal,
although they will try to live up to it, you will be the one on the
disappointing end when they fail. Be realistic with your expectations.
5. Know that you are equal partners but also know when to take a
step back and let the other shine; every situation requires a leader but to
accomplish and solve those situations you need to work as a team.
6. The 3 Cs: Converse, Communicate, communication, in whatever
order you want…just do it!
7. Never go to sleep angry, you won’t have a good night of sleep.
Don’t carry into tomorrow what can be said or solved today. Make every day a
fresh start with no baggage…at least not opened ones…
8. Be humble, say sorry, show understanding and forgive: Recognize
when you are wrong, right the wrongs and the same way you will want empathy
shown towards you, apply it back and learn forgiveness.
9. You don’t need to do everything together, be each other’s
official or unofficial best friend; but while cultivating your own friendship,
make sure you know each other friends.
10. Be the number 1 cheerleader; don’t let anyone else stroke
their ego more than you; validation that matters and has any substance needs to
come from you!
11. Be loyal to your partner and your marriage; keep your privacy
private…Respect each other at ALL times; some truth and details are not to be
shared. You never want to disclose information that would make the receiving
person uncomfortable being around your partner going forward. Even though you
need a support system, make sure those you put in that circle know to be impartial
and they are a support to the both of you.
12. Be selfless but never lose sight of your own happiness; that
is your responsibility.
13. Want to be in it! There is no magic wand to make your marriage
work, you have to want it. As I said several times, love is not the end-all or
be-all to a marriage. It’s a must-have ingredient that needs to be cultivated,
but much more is needed to make the relationship lasting.
14. Be an example to your kids as you are showing them how they’ll
need to be with their partners.
15. Being insecure about yourself will only hurt you and your
relationship.
Voila!
As usual, this is about what I've learned and think is
important in building a lasting relationship. Share with me your thoughts or
advice you followed that helped you through your relationship.
With love always
