Thursday, April 19, 2012

Avoiding The Guilt...

When the “too late” happens “too soon”…                     

Yesterday, I visited one of my favourite blogger’s page and read this piece she wrote about “Grace in the marriage”. The message was very nice and made me think of how amazing we, mere people, really are. We can be in separate parts of the world, living different lives and dealing with different cards handed to us BUT the challenges we face are basically the same. It’s quite intriguing how easily you can find solace, comfort and answers in a stranger’s story.

I was just about ready to write my comment, when I started reading the ones already left by other readers. Reading one comment in particular, I had an “AHA” moment…

The blog reminded this reader about a story she heard a long time ago. Her recollection of it may have been slightly distorted, so bare with me as I pass it on to you guys....

“There was this woman who nagged her husband for years about the tooth paste splatters on the mirror.  She would vocally scold him.  She loved him, but knew if he could just fix that, he would be perfect.  Years later he passed away.  After cleaning her bathroom, she began to notice the toothpaste splatters on the mirror again.  At that moment she realized it had never been him, but her, and it was too late at that point to say sorry.”

How easily do we choose to forget the lessons life has taught and is teaching us?
I say, pick your battles wisely, yet still I linger on the unimportant…
I say, always being right is not the “end-all and be-all”, but I still want to prove my point…
I say, be his number one cheerleader, but I lay complacent knowing he is all mine…
I say, love him and accept him for who he is, yet I still try to “change” him…

Unlike this woman in the story, I was given a do-over before it was too late; Although things were put in perspective (in more ways than I can comprehend), at times I find myself forgetting the importance of letting go (of the insignificant) and just simply saying “thank you”.

Every day I nag about something, actually, about a lot of things (deep sigh… these are just behaviours that come with the territory). Every day, instead of learning to master my own schedule, I want to make sure his is optimized to fit what I feel is important. And while I don’t really see anything wrong with that, I need to make sure I say THANK YOU for his every day TOLERANCE and have an ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE for the simple and necessary things he brings to my life, while dealing with my expectations and entitleness.  

The great thing about coming into this truth and realization is, it’s not just relevant the marriage dynamic. This truth stands for any and everyone. I’m sure many of you can attest to the fact that there’s someone you need to appreciate more, show that you appreciate more. There’s someone out there, that you probably haven’t spoken to in a while, that you’ve been thinking about calling/texting/facebooking. Instead of making excuses, get on your phone and make it happen. You never know when their last day will be; when your last day will be. Tomorrow is not a given. Don’t wake up one day and realize that their “toothpaste splatter on the mirror” was really yours, and all you needed to do was examine yourself first, instead of examining the faults in others.

For me, being able to write these blogs and share my opinions about everyday life events with complete strangers, is significant. You can only imagine that I make no qualms about letting the ones close to me know how I feel and what I want, but again, it’s finding the right balance in communication that will bring you success…

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.”
~Tony Robbins

We certainly don’t always get the change of a do-over, but when the opportunity presents itself, don’t waste it all away. Do well by it.

Whichever way our story ends, (if I’m the one left behind) I don’t want it to finish like the woman in the story; with me realizing all the mistakes I’ve made, and never having tried to make amends, apologize or even acknowledge that I was in the wrong. And if I’m the one to leave, I want him to remember the LOVE in the nagging, the GRATEFULLNESS in the complaints and that the longing for a BETTER us was my ultimate motivation.

    Be Thankful and voice it! 


  1. Wow…Life lessons are things I personally wish I had known sooner. As I grow older and gain more experience, I try to discipline myself of doing what is best (not always easy): to Never be too proud to ask for help (not to everyone but those I know I can count on); not to regret about the things I didn't do but to work on the things I will do. I try to live my life simple with a purpose & know I always have a choice…

    “I believe” saying I'm sorry should be easy, it’s making amends and correcting the behavior that is hard at times

    I want to share a comment that one of my dear friend most recently shared with to me-
    “Honesty leads to trust, truth leads to security and lie leads to heartache. Remember not to allow anyone to be your everything because when they're gone, you have nothing”…


    1. Dear Jas,
      Thank you for your comment!
      I'm like you, I wish I knew about life lessons from the get go, I wouldn't be here trying to catch up now! Lol... So many things could've been different if we knew to dig deeper into finding out and understanding the "why's" of our lives however when we realize that there's more justification than "it is what it is" for everything that happens we no longer have excuses!
      You are so right about how easy it is to say "sorry" ( which unfortunately many of us still struggle to do in fear of admitting we were wrong) but acting up on it and changing the behavior is another story...
      Remember no matter what you never end up with nothing as you learn and grow every day...

  2. To this day, more than 5 years later, although I have learned to live with these feelings, I am still a little angry at myself. The worse thing about it is that I had so many opportunities to do things differently. I waited to tell my dad how much I loved him until he was in the morgue. I waited to hold my dad hands until it was too late. It was too late to tell him and show him how much I loved him and appreciated him and respected him and admired him. I waited, and waited, and waited for something that would have only taken a few seconds to say.
    You are right Rosieee, DON'T WAIT UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE. I made that mistake. It's a terrible feeling to live with. It is almost as terrible as living without a father.
    My only consolation today is that my mother has assured me that my father knew even though my love went very often unspoken.

    1. My dear laMuiks,

      As a mother/parents if there's one thing I've learned is that the bond between children and parents is stronger than any word or gesture!
      Just as much as I know my children love me despise and when upset/mad at me, I can guarantee you that your dad knew how much "the apple of his eye" loved him!
      You were late releasing your own feelings and letting go of your anger but I'm sure that EVERY DAY, while your actions showed you were upset with him, he was having a laugh at the wasted effort you were putting out by avoiding a relation with him as he knew all along (unbeknownst) to you that your love was stronger!


  3. Rose you did it once again!! Honestly after reading this I thought to myself...when was the last time I said thank you to my hubby?!? I can remember the last time I complained ( it was 30 min ago) but I don't remember saying thank you this whole week. I def learned something tonight! Life is short and life can change in an instant, I need to be more greatful, appreciative and thoughtful towards the ones I love. God knows I would be a wreck without the hubby and children. Don't ever want to live in regret for this I did or did not say. I think I shall wake him up and say..." thank you"!! Love these blogs Rose. Please keep it up!

    1. Hi Tricia,

      My nagging (which I like to call "suggestive talking") is second nature :) Hubby has learn to tune out when enough is enough... He knows that I appreciate him but I wish I would say thank you, sorry, appreciate you as often as I use my "suggestive talking" So that is now on my list of things I need to get better at!


  4. This was deep and a great reminder to nag less. I appreciate my husband and do tell him so, He helps me out a LOT around the house, with the care of our son etc. SO I make it a point to thank him for his grace around us. But being a woman like most of us, there is always a nag...Sometimes, some things can't change, After reading this post- the toothpaste story made me tear up- I realized that some things I can just fix myself if it bothers me.
    And this goes for everyone else around me..I do try...but I will try harder. Thanks ROse!!! keep on writing

    1. Hi Teddy,

      Thank you for stopping by and sharing.
      Isn't it amazing how the obvious traits we should work on are the hardest to even identify?


  5. Tellement de belles choses écrites,et tellement vrai ...C est pour ça que j essaye toujours de ne pas perdre de temps pour dire aux gens que j aime qu'ils comptent pour moi !!! Car comme tu dis personne ne sait se qui se passsera demain , si on se réveillera de sa nuit de sommeil, si on rentrera de son travail le soir , si nos enfants rentreront de l école ...<Hier encore un enfant s est fait écraser en traversant dans un passage piétons il sortait de son sport ,un chauffard sous effet de la drogue , un autre s'est fait éclater par un chauffard ivre en rentrant de boite, il aurait eu 18 ans en mars ...Alors effectivement chaque jour je me dis , je leur dis ne partez jamais fachés les uns sur les autres ne partez jamais sans dire au revoir quand vous quittez la maison , dès que vous pouvez envoyé un petit message sympa téléphonez aux personnes que vous aimez simplement pour entendre leur voie , pour prendre de leur nouvelle,pour leur souhaiter un joyeux anniversaire ...Car vivre avec des regrets c 'est horrible ...Je suis heureuse d'avoir eu du temps avec les personnes que j'ai perdues et qui m'étaient chères pour leur dire à quel points elles comptaient pour moi ...Bise ma cocotte, mon amie...Love you


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