"Above all
we need, particularly as children, the reassuring presence of a visible
community, an intimate group that enfolds us with understanding and love, and
that becomes an object of our spontaneous loyalty, as a criterion and point of
reference for the rest of the human race."
Lewis Mumford
We have entered into a new era; this era
where, what we do is try to adapt to a new, current and progressive set of rules
(written or expected), while showing total disregard to the old habits, old
ways and old beliefs. Our behaviour towards (and for) our children has us being
extra cautious and solely in charge of every step they take. We hold on to them
with an imaginative short leash, so we have this idea/sense of being in
control, aware and responsive to all their needs and proactive in their
protection. We are acting like vigilantes towards our own children, in fear of
potential arms lurking out there. We’re doing all this, while missing (and
yearning) the innocence of years past; where letting children play in the neighbourhood
(not attended by the parent) was common practice. I miss the insouciance of
years past, when children knew to respect and be attentive to “elders” (related
or not) and as discipline wasn’t a parent’s privilege but a neighbourhood duty…
Today we no longer want to rely on our
neighbours to keep an eye on our children as we no longer know what their lives
are like, their morals… Now all of our doors are double bolted with alarm
systems active, while before everyone’s doors were always revolving.
We feel that we can’t trust the “villagers”
any longer as they don’t know how to act in front of our kids… Music blasting
in the streets, with the only lyrics understandable being curse words. The
dress code has change to “no dress code” and your Sunday best looks like everyday
rags. We are no longer concerning ourselves with our community and its children
but only our own, while judging others’. We now rely on the news or “fait
divers” to update us on what’s going on in our neighbourhood, in our
communities, in our streets and in our next door neighbour’s home…
While we are no longer concerning ourselves
with the community as a whole but only our own four walls, we become easily outraged,
upset and very eloquent when “the kid next door” has been declared a bully,
when he beats up his parents or even worse; when he shoots up a school… But
where were we when he needed someone to reach out to?
We have built these big cities that took
over our “villages”, our little towns, our little rural communities and our
“Little Houses on The Prairie”, where everyone knew everyone. Because all was
known by all, the fear of who was watching, going to catch us, going to tell on
us or punish us, was greater than the desire to do wrong. That’s when being
embarrassed in front of the whole town or bringing shame to your family was the
ultimate punishment.
The family dynamic has changed. Back in the
day, the norm was to have two parent (biological) households, where we all
trusted that the education, morals and values you were instilling into children
were almost uniform. In some way, all families looked alike, other than the
amount of children that formed the unit. Now we have just as much single parent
homes, foster parents (which are a blessing for some children), adoptive set-ups
and an increased disparity in (even) what the basic values are. We choose to
keep to ourselves and with ourselves.
There are so many “do’s and don’ts”, so
much research, and so much analysis, that confusion has intervened where clarity
was supposed to direct us. Society is so worried about self that we don’t look
at the bigger picture. Instead of competing with our neighbours and caring
about appearances, why don’t we choose to be involved in their lives and learn
to know each other? At the end of the day, every person that comes into direct
contact with our kids will have influences on them.
I yearn for the insouciance of years past,
where trust was easier as we all knew each other. I truly believe that when it
comes to the journey from childhood to adulthood, there are more than the
“close relative” influences that come into play. Although ultimately the
caregivers carry most of the responsibility, the “villagers” (neighbours) also
had some say in how the children turned out.
Positive and negative influences
I miss the concept of “It takes a village”.
I miss the times when (it was a given that) your personal best wasn’t all that
was needed for your child to be a positive, productive member of society. It
was also true that family wasn’t the only determining factor in guaranteeing a
child’s future, but you also needed the entire village or town to care and look
out for all of the children. How important it is for us to realize that our
values are just as important as the community values and will influence your
child just as much… if not more…
The “villagers” (teachers, coaches,
mentors, friends, church-goers) all need to be a part of the positive influence
circle around our children. Knowing the “villagers” would help you determine
the different influences in your child's life and different points of view they
will come in contact with.
I’m originally from the DRC (Democratic Republic of the Congo Europe ,
the morals and values that were instilled in me were from African culture. So I
do believe in the concept that “It takes a village to raise a child”; an
African (Nigerian) proverb that fully embodies and summarizes what we believe
the process of raising a child needs to be.
We need to take the literal out of the
sentence and understand the meaning. It is, that we all need to have the
understanding and attitude that you as a person are setting up an example for
any child (or adult for that matter) around you. You need to step up your
behaviour and do right by them and for your community. Extended families,
neighbours and friends are very important in framing and providing a great
support system to parents, and subsequently the children in the community as we
are not all with our children 24/7. In no shape or form does this proverb imply
that we have to transfer our responsibility as provider and caretaker to the
“village”. We’re merely making it an understanding that we all are in it for
success and that we all should be keeping a vigilant eye out for the kids in
our “village”.
Let’s bring back our villager’s mentality,
teach our children hierarchy and respect for all and a sense of pride for our
community, ownership and a sense of belonging.
We are the next generation teachers…
What is your opinion on this subject? Do you feel that
the facing out of “small rural upbringing” mentality and of small communities where
people really lived by the meaning of the word are hurting today’s youth? Or do
you believe today’s parents have to take sole responsibility of their
child(ren) rearing and subsequently shaping the kind of member of society they
will become?
Love always,
RosieSandz
