I Thought I Knew... But Now I Know

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.”

~Gilda Radner

                              

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I know a lot about life… at least I thought I knew…

I realize so much now. Now, while I’m uncovering, finding and recognizing many things that had skipped my mind, things that I was oblivious too, things that if I had just paid a little more attention to, would have saved me from so much headache, heartache and wasted time… I’m realizing just how little of an understanding I’ve had of my circumstances over the past 40 years. I also see how much ground I have to uncover to chip in the book of ‘life fully lived’…

I’m sitting on my sofa, my feet planted under me, looking at the screen and picture but not watching the movie. My mind is thinking and focusing on all I’ve missed and all I could have known if only I had paid attention. I’m contemplating all the things I could have avoided if I didn’t think I “knew it all.”  If only I had known then what I’m learning now by listening and just paying attention… so many mistakes could have been dodged and so much would have been not been…

My life: such a story. My story: such a discovery.

It’s such a humbling experience to admit your flaws and come face-to-face with all your mistakes and wrong doings (when you look at it that way, one fault is too many to admit…). When I take into account and realize where I am in life, I realize how remarkably short this gift we have been given is. While I’ve been made (or maybe I chose) to believe that time is on my side and in my hands, I now see all the time I’ve wasted, as it had passed faster than I could see. I see the grey hair making its debut, and the kids refusing to stay babies. All of this is taking place, while refusing to give me the time to enjoy, appreciate and fully understand.

I need to learn to do less, instead of always wanting more. I must learn to be thankful for what I have and where I am, instead of skipping out on the moment and not recognizing it… I need to learn to focus on the journey by appreciating it and soaking it in, instead of focusing on goals and the endpoint…

I need to learn to give my kids the undivided, continuous and much-needed attention, not only when they ask for it but because I never want them to feel that they’re without it…

I need to also learn to enjoy ‘the’ hubby more in challenging and stressing times, instead of seeing him mostly as my trouble-shooter, and as the solution to all my needs and problems…

I need to learn…

So at this point I realize that I have a lot left to learn but the ‘so far’ has not been in vain J… Slowly but surely I am getting it but by now what I know for certain, is that I am more often wrong about my certitudes and the only limit to my trying to get it right is set by me. Life, my life, this revolving story that I am, has many lessons to teach me, and I’m looking forward to them all…

What about you? Do you sometime take account of your progress in life and realise you had a lot of it wrong? Do you at time feel that you are starting over more often than you would like?

Loving learning…
RosieSandz