You Are My Sunshine...

“A mother's treasure is her daughter.” 

~Catherine Pulsifer

I always knew I wanted a child. I didn’t know exactly what kind of mother I would be, but I knew I wouldn’t be complete without creating and bringing to life my child.

I remember at, 19 years old, bonding so tightly with my first niece Anais. We would spend our days together lying in bed, playing and trying to teach her how to say “tantine”, before she could say “maman”.

At 10 months old, she took her first step towards me. Later that same week, she left with her mom and dad for a short trip to Germany and never came back; she wasn’t a year old and a car accident had taken her away. I cried so much. I remembered one night, a couple days after her passing, I was crying in my sleep and woke up because I felt her crawl up from the foot of the bed underneath the sheets. She crawled all the way up to me and tried to amuse me by doing “peek-a-boo”, like we used to and make me laugh. That was the last time I saw her until her funeral. My heart was broken and seeing the pain in my sister’s eyes (a pain that never went away) made me hesitant in wanting to give birth and become a mother myself because…what if…

Years past, and there came many nephews and nieces to run after, love and unconsciously help me heal. I’m not sure how much fun I was as an aunt but I know how much joy they brought into my life and it brought back the need for me to conceive. 

When I meet “the hubby”, I knew he would be the father of my child…

I wanted us to have 1 child, a boy that would look like him, with my personality and shortly after my wish was granted; my heart was filled and over-flowing with love. I was more than content for the next 2 years but then I started to think of my life, 10 brothers and sisters, constant support through tragedies and through good times, always someone to talk to. The selfless side of me started to think I had to give my son a sibling but I couldn’t deny the selfish side of me who started to miss a baby in my arms; the dependency that my son was slowly but surely growing out of.

Although I knew I wanted to give my little boy a sibling, I had a fear of “How will I be able to love a new addition to our trio when my heart was already 100% taken?” I knew it was feasible looking around me but I just didn’t comprehend how… How do you pull from 1 child to give some to the other? Does your heart suddenly expend to give room to a new baby and more love?

My baby girl was born and sure enough, my heart expanded… Who knew I had so much love bundled up inside of me… they brought purpose, direction and focus to my life…I found myself in a constant state of “being in love” and immensely blessed.

In a few weeks, my favorite son will be 13 and my favorite daughter will turn 10. While I’m looking proudly at my son turning into a wonderful handsome teenager and already thinking of the lucky girl that will snatch him away from us, I’m looking at my baby girl (who swears that she will never leave me) and the bond we have. In a major selfish way, I’m reassured and happy of that thought J…

I wonder if this Irish saying is true, “A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life”…

I saw her off to Florida with her aunt, uncle and cousin this Sunday and even before she got to the car, my heart was in pain and tears were flowing. I was missing her already; missing the unstopping, repetitive sound of my name/title, missing her inquisitive personality, really I was missing my sidekick, my mini-me… What will happen when the natural course of life takes place and she realizes that she is ready to leave the nest; for college, for a job, or for love? Why am I getting ready for those steps with my son (I think) and not with my daughter?

I’m teaching and instilling values in her that I feel are important and I’m doing that sometimes with patience, sometimes with understanding, sometimes with an open mind and open ears; but always with lots of love and kindness... and for all the other times where I wasn't patient, responsive, perceptive and a bit intolerant but again always with love, I wonder…

I wonder if when the tables turn, in a few years, she will remember her journey with me. And if she does, will she mainly remember my sometimes, my other times or will she remember my always?

When she has to slow her pace and wait for me because my stride is no longer what it used to be, will she be patient?

When I ask her a thousand times, the same question within a 10 minute span, will she understand that my mind is becoming forgetful?

When she has to hear the same story over and over again, will she take the time to listen?

When I can no longer keep up with the world's new ways of communicating, will she take the time to teach me?

When helping me to take care of myself becomes a challenge more than a pleasure, will she continue to be there to lend me a helping hand?

When she notices me getting old and all I want is to have her around me... will she keep me around?

A daughter is a mother's gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension of herself. And mothers are their daughters' role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships.

 ~Victoria Secunda

To a bond that leaves you breathless...

RosieSandz