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Tynt

Friday, October 19, 2012

The "Maiden Identity", Life I Miss...Sometimes...



“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
Kahlil Gibran

Sometimes I seat back and think of how different life would have been if I wasn't married, if I didn't have my two beautiful children, and if I didn't have the responsibilities that comes along when having to nurture, protect a family (your family).
Yes sometimes I wonder… Not because I regret the life I have and all its inclusion but just because at time I get overwhelmed in my mission to love, provide, raise, and be the anchor, the magnet which holds everything together. And when sometimes I lose myself in all the “must” in my life, I’m reminded to make myself a priority. So the need to slightly remove myself and recharge becomes so evident and necessary that it is when I sometimes think… What if…

Yesterday I posted on my Facebook status “It is a sad moment when you have to lock yourself in your bathroom to escape your own "motormouth" daughter...
God thank you for the virtue of patience you gave me but can you please increase it up a notch, I'm slowly but surely losing the battle!”
and while it might have sound funny to most, it was a reality. At that moment it was my reality with my daughter, but she is not the sole reason why I need God to kick it up a notch. At times I also have to find escapes, reasons and excuses to remove myself and breathe away from the hubby, my son and my friends. I have to seek that quiet space so I can put my thoughts together, so I can be just Rose. Not the hubby’s wife. Not “the” mother. And not “the” sister or friend…just Rose.

Does that make me selfish? Or am I just being human? I know this doesn't mean or scream I am a bad mom…I actually know that I am a great mom. I know that I am not the perfect representation  of what a wife should be…but I know I am the wife he needed to have. Responsibilities do not scare me…but I remember those days when my only worry was “do I feel like getting up and doing anything today?” so sometimes…only sometimes… I miss it… I miss the unattached me, the motherless me. I miss her but …do not wish to rewind time and be her again

When I entered the covenant of marriage and signed on for the life and responsibilities that the contract encompassed I knew that it was no longer a “me thing”, it was now an “us thing” that for thousands of years people have engaged themselves into nurturing, protecting, loving and growing old together. Marriage is a team collaboration where the parties involve has to give in and give up a little (or a lot) so it can be strong union. When I “gave up” my maiden name it was not because I was losing myself and giving up my core identity but because I knew I wanted to create a partnership, a team, a home where that covenant would live and flourish. 
When we decided to have kids, it was another adjustment for me…for us. We signed on for limited social life, sleepless nights, being broke on a constant basis became us J, no privacy, and no time off… Every day is full of tasks that have nothing to do with you but all about those little creatures you brought into your world; it is at time exhausting, frustrating but so exhilarating and fascinating in the same breath. The bond between my children and I is unlike anything, any love or emotion I've ever experienced; it totally sealed together the changed I started when committing to the hubby. And while now I have cuddles in queue, kisses to infinity and two little angels/monsters that think I’m their world; I also have grey hair, wrinkles caused by them and possessions I call my own but which are being treated as common properties…so yes I miss that alone me at time…just for a split second…

I have the life I always wanted (minus a couple of dollars but shoot life is not over yet, still have a few goals to achieve) I am not trying to come across envious of the green grass across the street (as I’m not sure it is as healthy as mine is) I am quite happy rolling in mine even though mine as some dry spot here and there, and show sign of use J.
My children are one of my main motivations in life; they are the reason why I’m happy and complete. The hubby is till to this day, the one I would give up my maiden name for if I had to do it all over. So when sometimes I do want to be seated on that bench alone and have no worries other than what’s next; I need those quick moments, those quick flashback moments to allow me to look back and confirm that at the end of the day I am where I need to be, with those I am meant to be with and living the life I am destined to have…

“So a woman whose daily life is overwhelming her learns to step back. Is this a cure for her endless problems? Of course not. Simple is not simplistic.”
Joanne M. Friedman

How about you? Do you sometimes look back at your life before this moment now and wish it was any different or just to remind you of the progress you've made?

To not feeling guilty for looking back,
 RosieSandz

Photo courtesy of Purity


5 comments:

  1. When I first read this post I said, "Rose get out of my head!" Just last week my colleagues and I had a discussion along the same lines. One lady was saying how she missed her children now that they were all grown up; and I was saying I couldn't wait for my kids to leave the house. In retrospect of my contribution to the discussion, I wondered if my comments would paint me as a "bad parent". As the mother of three veeery active boys, I am often faced with moments of intense stress. Indeed, like most parents who have to juggle the different aspects of a busy modern life (work, home, play), I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I had not gotten married and started a family. I often ask myself if I could turn back the hands of time, what would I do differently? During the discussion with my colleagues I stated that if I knew then what I know now, I would most probably have stayed single. However, as nice as that may sound, I know that deep down I would not trade the life I have now for anything. Despite wanting to throttle my boys on a daily basis, I cannot imagine my life without them. Does thinking about my "maiden life" make me a bad parent? I don't think so! I think it helps me to appreciate what I currently have, and establish some type of balance. I make it a point to find some "me time" on a regular basis, and do the things I liked to do when I was childless. This helps me to retain my individuality within the group/family setting; recharge my batteries to take on the next round; and quench those stress-induced moments of doubts. As much as I enjoy being the football/baseball/basketball mom, I meant it when I said I can't wait for my boys to leave my house :-)
    (I may someday have to elaborate on that topic in a guest post!)

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    1. YES Sandra, I am soooo seeing eye to eye with you!
      While I love and cherish my life now, the struggles in maintaining it fulfilled do sometimes bring hesitation and over the shoulder look into the past...into how carefree it use to be BUT like you said, nothing back there is worth giving up on what I have today!

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  2. Rose! You hit the nail on the head...you are a wonderful writer. Keep searching your heart and putting it to pen and paper because you never know who you might help because you decided to be transparent and live you life in front of us. Thank you!

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    1. Teke, Thank you so much for your stopping by and for this nice comment.
      When I started this journey (keeping up with a blog) it was with the idea of sharing what I know, what I learned and discovered, and what I'm still searching answers to; I never knew that it would be so important to me to know that it means something, anything to anyone...and that my experiences are mirrors to others' experiences.
      THANK YOU for accepting my thoughts.

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  3. Rose! You hit the nail on the head, you are a wonderful writer. Please keep putting your thoughts to pen and paper because through your transparency you never know who you might help set free. Thank you!

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