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Friday, October 19, 2012

The "Maiden Identity", Life I Miss...Sometimes...

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
Kahlil Gibran

Sometimes I seat back and think of how different life would have been if I wasn't married, if I didn't have my two beautiful children, and if I didn't have the responsibilities that comes along when having to nurture, protect a family (your family).
Yes sometimes I wonder… Not because I regret the life I have and all its inclusion but just because at time I get overwhelmed in my mission to love, provide, raise, and be the anchor, the magnet which holds everything together. And when sometimes I lose myself in all the “must” in my life, I’m reminded to make myself a priority. So the need to slightly remove myself and recharge becomes so evident and necessary that it is when I sometimes think… What if…

Yesterday I posted on my Facebook status “It is a sad moment when you have to lock yourself in your bathroom to escape your own "motormouth" daughter...
God thank you for the virtue of patience you gave me but can you please increase it up a notch, I'm slowly but surely losing the battle!”
and while it might have sound funny to most, it was a reality. At that moment it was my reality with my daughter, but she is not the sole reason why I need God to kick it up a notch. At times I also have to find escapes, reasons and excuses to remove myself and breathe away from the hubby, my son and my friends. I have to seek that quiet space so I can put my thoughts together, so I can be just Rose. Not the hubby’s wife. Not “the” mother. And not “the” sister or friend…just Rose.

Does that make me selfish? Or am I just being human? I know this doesn't mean or scream I am a bad mom…I actually know that I am a great mom. I know that I am not the perfect representation  of what a wife should be…but I know I am the wife he needed to have. Responsibilities do not scare me…but I remember those days when my only worry was “do I feel like getting up and doing anything today?” so sometimes…only sometimes… I miss it… I miss the unattached me, the motherless me. I miss her but …do not wish to rewind time and be her again

When I entered the covenant of marriage and signed on for the life and responsibilities that the contract encompassed I knew that it was no longer a “me thing”, it was now an “us thing” that for thousands of years people have engaged themselves into nurturing, protecting, loving and growing old together. Marriage is a team collaboration where the parties involve has to give in and give up a little (or a lot) so it can be strong union. When I “gave up” my maiden name it was not because I was losing myself and giving up my core identity but because I knew I wanted to create a partnership, a team, a home where that covenant would live and flourish. 
When we decided to have kids, it was another adjustment for me…for us. We signed on for limited social life, sleepless nights, being broke on a constant basis became us J, no privacy, and no time off… Every day is full of tasks that have nothing to do with you but all about those little creatures you brought into your world; it is at time exhausting, frustrating but so exhilarating and fascinating in the same breath. The bond between my children and I is unlike anything, any love or emotion I've ever experienced; it totally sealed together the changed I started when committing to the hubby. And while now I have cuddles in queue, kisses to infinity and two little angels/monsters that think I’m their world; I also have grey hair, wrinkles caused by them and possessions I call my own but which are being treated as common properties…so yes I miss that alone me at time…just for a split second…

I have the life I always wanted (minus a couple of dollars but shoot life is not over yet, still have a few goals to achieve) I am not trying to come across envious of the green grass across the street (as I’m not sure it is as healthy as mine is) I am quite happy rolling in mine even though mine as some dry spot here and there, and show sign of use J.
My children are one of my main motivations in life; they are the reason why I’m happy and complete. The hubby is till to this day, the one I would give up my maiden name for if I had to do it all over. So when sometimes I do want to be seated on that bench alone and have no worries other than what’s next; I need those quick moments, those quick flashback moments to allow me to look back and confirm that at the end of the day I am where I need to be, with those I am meant to be with and living the life I am destined to have…

“So a woman whose daily life is overwhelming her learns to step back. Is this a cure for her endless problems? Of course not. Simple is not simplistic.”
Joanne M. Friedman

How about you? Do you sometimes look back at your life before this moment now and wish it was any different or just to remind you of the progress you've made?

To not feeling guilty for looking back,

Photo courtesy of Purity

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