Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Wednesday Guest Post "Maximizing Differences" by Djino Real McCoy

Djino is a passionate loving young man happily married but who went through some very difficult times. He once did not believe in loving anymore after a terrible separation from a woman whom he believed to be the love of his life. Little did he know that those trials and tribulations would make him a better man and a better husband to his wife...Love was the farthest thing of his mind until he gave it another try...Now he is back at it again with an exponential outpouring of love stemmed from hurt...may sound like an oxymoron but out of hurt sometimes come the best things in life...Now, Djino has found and rediscovered himself...Love is a beautiful thing...

Maximizing Differences...

"You just don't understand!!!!" is a complaint that we hear on a consistent basis in relationships nowadays...on more than one occasion to say the least. Ever wonder if that is the realization that perhaps one lover is just not compatible with the other one or is it just a case of plain and simple differences between the two lovers?"

It is very invigorating to be around people who choose to have a winning attitude no matter what happens. That shows tremendous resilience in the midst of all storms. When people get married, it is clearly stated to them that it is for good or bad, for richer or poorer but in today's permissive society, it is very common to choose the easiest way out i.e. terminate the relationship, not giving too much of your time to a cause that one will claim lost. Certainly, there are instances when it is warranted but when the person being your partner is genuinely and viscerally a person of decent character, doesn't that make it worth fighting for? We are all human beings and instant gratification is something that we all long for. However, one has to allow to see the big picture. We can forgive but not forget.

I've been discussing lots of topics with lovely people (past acquaintances, current friends or confidantes). Some of them are just downright appealing in their intelligence, their wits, their demeanor and their way to deal with adversity. They have been quite inspirational to me and there is just something respectable and noteworthy about people who fight that speak volumes. I personally love women who are fighters. They look at the big picture and realize that certain things need to be forgiven but not forgotten. I'm not saying that you have to let things slide all the time however, when the record has been set straight, a new beginning is to be implemented.  

In a nutshell, I came to the conclusion that our differences are magnified in the fall season of a relationship and in the winter season, they stand as icy walls that divide us. In God's plan, our differences were never intended to divide us. In fact, God is the author of diversity. Even better, when God instituted marriage as a union of 2 unique individuals, he knew that he was creating unity out of diversity. Some other people will tell you that to have a blissful relationship or marriage, you need to have EVERYTHING (95% or above) in common. In fact, incompatibility or "irreconcilable differences" is often given as the grounds for divorce. After talking to a lot of people, I'm convinced there are no irreconcilable differences but only people who refuse to reconcile.

Maximizing differences in a relationship or marriage requires the following: look for assets in your differences, learn from your differences and replace condemnation with affirmation (meaning that both partners in a relationship or marriage need to feel appreciation rather than condemnation). Mutual affirmation creates an atmosphere for positive change.  

Picture courtesy of


  1. I'm so loving this post! "Easy" realtionships are not always relationships filled with love. Sometime the hardships, the ups and downs are what create the bonds of love. Well said Djino! Any man who can appeciate a woman with fight in her is all right with me!

  2. Well, Autumn, thank you for your genuine comment! I speak volumes because it is the indication of the veracity of my observations/statements. Nowadays, most people look for everything to be rosy and peachy from start to finish in their relationship, which is a legitimate quest. But realistically, that is not always the case. To second your opinion, I do believe that the differences tend to firmly solidify the relationship if/when both people are willing to work at it. My humble opinion is the following: differences in relationships can actually be gifts. Many times, when we see monumental differences laid out in front of us, we have every reason in the world to say our good byes and move on. But when sticking together, we learn far more about who we are as individuals than we would have had if we found carbon copies of ourselves. My philosophy is we MAY not think alike but we MUST love alike. In doing so, we both learn some of the life’s sweetest lessons.

  3. “A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” Dave Meurer

  4. Great quote, lamuiks! That’s a keeper! When one accepts and loves those differences in them and their lover/partner, they seem to dissipate.

  5. Great post Sir! I love the fact that you are speaking from a male's perspective, when usually we are the first one's to decide to "abort mission." You're absolutely right that these *differences* can 'cause us to grow stronger/better/closer, but I also like the caveat that *some differences* are too much and can't be reconciled. I suppose that the wisdom is in knowing how to differentiate our failure to work hard, with our failure to have chosen the appropriate partner.

  6. Well, I appreciate it! Just speaking the truth. It is indeed true that that most relationships are ended by women especially when it comes to that topic. You are absolutely right when saying that the wisdom lies in “selecting” our partner…everything stems from there…we too often do not pay attention to and discard may things from the get-go and when things are rough, we realize it and we want to sever that relationship…too often, the damage has been done already. To go back to my original piece, there are a few instances when such things are warranted (too many differences that beget too much unhappiness for one person).

    But if I may add one thing in regard to those differences you mentioned that are so grave that the relationship can not be salvaged, it will be the following: Problems we see in others are issues we have with ourselves. When relationships reach a rocky patch or fail altogether, it’s easy to cite another person’s flaws as the culprit. Pointing fingers is, after all, far easier than self-examination. Yet, if you recognize that all your relationships, romantic or otherwise, serve as a mirror for yourself, you’d realize that these “flaws” are present in you too. Getting angry or irritated after recognizing them in someone else means that you are denying them in yourself and not fully accepting the “bad” with the “good.”

    Again, this is solely based upon my experiences.


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