Friday, December 14, 2012

And Maybe This Wasn't Meant For Me... Life As Is...

“And I told him, I said: "One day you're going to miss the subway because it's not going to come. One of these days, it's going to break down and it's not going to come around and everyone else will just wait for the next one or will take the bus, or walk, or run to the next station: they will go on with their lives. And you're not going to be able to go on with your life! You'll be standing there, in the subway station, staring at the tube. Why? Because you think that everything has to happen perfectly and on time and when you think it's going to happen! Well guess what! That's not how things happen! And you'll be the only one who's not going to be able to go on with life, just because your subway broke down. So you know what, you've got to let go, you've got to know that things don't happen the way you think they're going to happen, but that's okay, because there's always the bus, there's always the next can always take a cab.”
~ C. JoyBell C.

What is this feeling that is consuming me right now? Am I unsatisfied, ungrateful, or am I just unaware of what I should be focusing on? Could it be that I’m just having another moment of truth in my life? Or maybe it’s the need to periodically assess where I am in life; if all is what it’s meant to be, how it is meant to be, and with who it was meant to be…

So much blessing in my life but I’m always seeking for more
There’s so much growth I still need to do
My journey seems never ending
Everyday I’m seeking for something
Maybe I’m living a borrowed life, with borrowed emotions…  

 Life as is
My life is so clear…but why does it feel so jumbled? There’s not a feeling of sadness but confusion as to why I’m not content… fully content. It’s almost like the person who is in a crowded room, yet can feel so alone. Whenever we haven’t achieved everything we feel we should have (by a certain time), it’s almost as if we feel unbalanced and off center. The part that drives most people insane is not being able to properly articulate what exactly would complete them. 

At times I’m overwhelmed by the love that surrounds me
I don’t know what to do with it and as a result, shy away from it

Do I feel undeserved?… I guess not, or maybe at times…
Do I feel inadequate or ill-equipped to deal with love? Yes I do… at times.
I am an introvert at heart. Not shy, but recluse… a loner who desires more time to be my own but feels ungrateful for wanting it.
I’ve built this life - surrounded with friends and family that I love dearly - but feel overwhelmed by their presence at times…

The paper says I’m married… my life says God knew best (as always).
The papers say I’m a mother… my heart is elated by the ONLY happy struggle of my life; “motherhood”
I wouldn’t be who I am without the “lovers” in my life.
I wouldn’t be where I am without the “lovers” in my life.
But without the expectations of the “lovers” in my life, I wouldn’t be able to tap into that place that would allow me to be selfish.

I seek acceptance for who I am… follow me here when I say seek acceptance; I’m not saying I’m conforming myself so I can be accepted. What I’m saying is, I’m sharing myself (and my thoughts) so you can understand and accept me for who I am.
But I don’t want to become a slave of the need to make you understand who I am and why I am.

Will there ever be an instance of perfect happiness? Of not being in search of other possibilities, or outcomes? A moment where all that it seems, is actually all that it is…
I seriously doubt that. No one can have a moment of enlightenment without a moment of darkness. There must always be a balance in life, and no matter how much we would like to live in a perfect dream world, we’re always seeking for the next level. I’ll be honest though…. I would love to sit back and be a witness to the unfolding of my destiny, as I am afraid to alter what was written for me. But wouldn’t I be letting opportunities sail away? It’s not exactly seizing the day if I sit back and wait for life to happen. No one can control one's own destiny, so why not just put your best foot forward and hope things work out. And if not, find solace that there is always tomorrow. There’s always another day to figure things out and try again. There’s always another opportunity to be better, stronger, wiser.

So what is the root of all these conflicting emotions?

At first, not everything is as it seems. Not everything unfolds exactly the way you thought it would in the beginning. And while your journey takes you to places you didn’t think you would face and experience - and you are realizing that fact - it is challenging to accept, re-adjust and amend what you knew you ought to be…


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