Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Wednesday Guest Post "Fatherless America versus The Responsible Men/Fathers" By Djino The Real McCoy

January 2nd was the day when I read an article on the internet about a Kansas man who donated sperm to a lesbian couple so they could have a child. Nothing out of the ordinary one would think...However, the most shocking thing is that after his generous donation, years later, the state of Kansas is now trying to make him pay child support.
Yes, you read it right. Your vision is not blurry... The state of Kansas filed a petition seeking to have the man declared the father of the child and financially responsible for the child after the lesbian couple encountered money difficulties.
I can go on and on about the legal aspect and ramifications of this above-mentioned topic but I will zero in on the moral and ethical aspect of a big issue in America: Fatherless America versus the responsible men/fathers trying to do what is right for their kids.
First and foremost, this man out of the kindness of his heart attempted to help a couple that could not have any children to have one and he has to deal with some financial setbacks because of some technicalities. The case is seen now as having repercussions for other sperm donors. Sperm banks routinely provide sperm to people who want to conceive a child on the understanding that the donors are not responsible for the children. That is obviously about to change.
Secondly, I do think that it is about time to confront this most urgent social problem: absentee fathers and the impact on the nation versus the responsible men/fathers fighting every day for their kids.  I read one day that "The most urgent domestic challenge facing the United the re-creation of fatherhood as a vital social role for men". I think that there is a very prominent "culture of fatherlessness" in America that is very detrimental to all of us. What is most troubling is the growing belief that fatherhood is an unnecessary function. Today, our society is making it ok to believe that the main function of a father is just to pay for everything. The child support system in America is a living proof of that. I am not saying in any way, shape or form that deadbeat fathers have to get away scot free but all men are put in the same bag. Statistically, the majority of the cases, the kid(s) go(es) to the mother and the father is just a cash cow to make sure the kid is taken care of financially. Needless to mention the visitation issues.
I think that as a society, we have been mocking the presence of fathers and subsequently, the social role of fathers has been diminished and devalued. Devalued fatherhood has led to higher incidences of crime, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, and child poverty. It is about time to have a revival of the "good family man," and to reinvigorate the role of fatherhood. I am not saying at all that mothers aren't good enough for their kids. On the contrary, i do believe that good mothers are just as necessary as fathers. I am simply saying that neither mother nor father possesses the resources to give a child everything that the child needs. I am of the school of thought that women are not the only parents who are essential to healthy childhood development. Fathers need and must be there to balance everything out emotionally, physically and financially. That is what a real man, a real father is supposed to do but again, a woman has to allow him to do it and act accordingly.
I give a lot of respect and I admire single mothers and single fathers who do everything to have their kids in a safe environment so they can grow up to be swell citizens and adults with the minimum amount of trauma from their past.
But my question is: Should we blame feminism that has played a big part in destroying the sacred institution of fatherhood, equality of rights, egos, pride, personal relationship choices, or the judicial system on those compelling issues?
To give you a view on how distorted things are in our society, let’s go back to the Kansas man who is being sued by the state to be financially responsible for the kid that the lesbian couple wanted to have. Let’s reverse the role now. Do you think that a woman who gave her eggs to a couple so they can conceive would have been sued to be financially responsible for the child? I will go out on a limb and say NO. This story just substantiates what I have said above and shows how men/fathers have become tools or means for financial purposes in a lot of cases.
Ladies, Gentlemen, single mothers, single fathers, parents, what is your take, your views on this compelling and controversial topic/issue?
Yours truly,

Djino is a passionate loving young man happily married but who went through some very difficult times. He once did not believe in loving anymore after a terrible separation from a woman whom he believed to be the love of his life. Little did he know that those trials and tribulations would make him a better man and a better husband to his wife...Love was the farthest thing of his mind until he gave it another try...Now he is back at it again with an exponential outpouring of love stemmed from hurt...may sound like an oxymoron but out of hurt sometimes come the best things in life...Now, Djino has found and rediscovered himself...Love is a beautiful thing...


  1. As far as the Kansas situation Djino is mentioning, I find it so preposterous that I don’t even know how to comment on that!
    But as far as the importance of father’s in our children’s lives, there is no denying that for the first year of life (before the child's teeth come in), and due to the natural biological process of delivery and breast feeding, the mother is more important. In addition modern conveniences and lack of sexual prejudice make it very easy to think that we can do well without the male component in relationship.
    But without an ounce of doubt in my mind, I believe both parents have a very important role in a child’s life (and this regardless or in spite of both parent being in the same household). The mother is presumed to be the nurturer and the father, the provider but again this does not mean that the parents need to be together as a couple, they just need both have a presence in the child’s life and this can only happen when dealing with responsible, selfless and loving parents.
    Mothers love makes the world go round! But what about the love of a father? I find that we tend to generalize by minimalizing the importance of fathers in our children’s lives and we underestimate the effect of a father’s love on the development of a child.
    When Djino first emailed me this post, right away the thought of my father, our relation and his role in my life came to the far front of my mind. Because of him I know that if (God forbid) me and the hubby would separate, I will NEVER (please brand my words) NEVER hold my kids away from him
    Because of social engineering such as working moms, divorce, unwed mothers, and same-sex couples notwithstanding, as parents we should be thinking about what is best for the kids and not their own selfish desires.
    Fathering (accepting and acting upon the responsibility that comes along with it) isn’t a feminist issue. From the fathers that don’t want to be involve, to the ex-wife/partner/girlfriend that holds the kids as collaterals it is definitely a rearing and society issue.
    As woman we have a tendency to be selfish, vindictive when hurt and this sometime as a way to protect ourselves. I think people should be able to move on without bringing the kids into adult situations. Unfortunately exes far too often use the kids as pawn to settle the score with each other and it is just not right. The kids are equally both the mom and the dad's responsibility from financially right down to visitation. We need to think beyond the now and realize who really will get hurt in the long run.
    However, you mentioned only the women that do this. Men do this every bit as often as women do it, it is just not as publicized.
    In a nutshell I believe
    • Unless the child/children are in the father’s life (either by their own free will or set visitations) men shouldn’t be forced to pay support. If as mother we decide we don’t want our child to have a relation with their father then… Of course in some instances (abuse, addictions…) it is best to keep the child away from the father.
    • A “no good father” will show his true colors to his child in due time and this without our (mother) help.
    • As woman, regardless of our relation with the father, we have to make sure we nurture and encourage the relation between child/father.

  2. Rose, your comments are indeed very candid, straightforward and very vivifying to hear/read from a female/maternal perspective. There is still some hope and light. Hopefully, a lot of women think like that. I wholeheartedly agree with most of your comments and commend you for having the best interest of the children at heart.

    However, that being said, I strongly disagree with your statement putting forth the fact that men are as equally selfish and vindictive as women when it comes to their children and that it is not as publicized.

    Of course, you have your one-offs fathers/men who try to hurt the mothers in some way or the other. I grant you that but I do not think that statistically, men do that more than women. As you stated yourself, women are emotional beings and they have a propensity to get back at you when deeply hurt. I am not saying that all of them do. Far be it from me! I can tell that you are one of the very few based upon your mindset and your principles. I can substantiate my statement with my empirical experience. I have often times witnessed in my immediate circle of friends that women do that more than men.

    When a man does that, he is just reacting to the barrage of negativity coming at him and unfortunately reacts that way. I am not condoning any of that from those types of fathers or mothers. My point is that “Hell has no fury like a woman scorned”.

  3. I do have to admit that you are right in your assessment in regards to us women reverting to using our kids as pawn more then our male counterpart. I probably should have phrased my thoughts differently. You did pined point what I was trying to bring to surface which is men also, at time, revert to the same actions however while we women are somewhat predisposed to vindictiveness, men have to be pushed to it...especially when their kids are involved. You failed to mentioned it so I just wanted to highlight that vindictiveness is an equal opportunity behavior!

  4. What an awesome post, with an even more potent message. Being a Christian man, I can attest to the fact that what definitely ails our society is the lack of fathers (not just sperm donors, which is another funny subject touched on in your piece), and also "father figures." There is an overwhelming deficiency in both; causing children to (sometimes) lose their identity and validation. Those children grow up, looking for that validation and identity in (often times) the wrong places, and repeat the same vicious cycle with their children. We have turned into a society of single-parents, and more often than not, single mothers. Although women are indeed strong, wise, and are problem solvers, I don't belive God created them to handle both positions (mom and dad). Alas, I guess we can only do our part to be the best we can be... How do you change a culture, or environment, or country, or world? Usually, with truth.

  5. Rose, yes indeed, as you stated “vindictiveness is an equal opportunity behavior”…I wholeheartedly agree with you and it is a darn shame that people have a propensity to put forth their own agendas in lieu of taking a step back, reassessing the consequences that it could beget on the child’s emotional, spiritual and physical state.

    Just Elvin, first and foremost, thank you for taking the stand, Sir! I was beginning to think that either Rose only has female friends on her blog or perhaps all the male counterparts did not want to voice their opinions on this thorny matter….LOL!!

    To go back to the topic at hand, I totally share your views. The gap, the deficiency that you described is just very prominent and it is subsequently crippling our society. As I was mentioning it to another individual a few days ago, I agree with you that all this is triggering illogical and ill behaviors from men and women. There is no more accountability within ourselves and the children are the ones suffering from all this nonsense. We are indeed moving into a mono-parental society and towards some type of matriarchy. It seems as if fatherhood is being viewed as worthless…No wonder why our kids are so confused.

    I have always subscribed to the idea that children must have a male and a female during their upbringing. It is something visceral and innate that they need to have to fully blossom into their potential on an emotional and spiritual level. The majority of people think that all a child needs is love…That is a fact but I will go as far as saying that a child needs love and MUST have mothering and fathering… It is therefore necessary to ensure that children have sufficient interactions with significant others of both sexes. However, some women prefer to keep their child away from the father (i.e. during separation or divorce) or other father figures. But a child needs that to develop his or her own identity. I think that those women often do that out of spite or because they fear that they will find in their child(ren) those features of the man they once loved.

    My humble opinion is both parents, even separated or divorced, need to continue to be a couple in the mind of the child, and it is on that foundation alone that the child will construct concepts and notions such as unity, cooperation and complementarity (mutually supplying each other's lack) that will serve him or her during life. A mother can not or must not deny the father because the main problem is that without him, the child does not exist…


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