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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I'm Afraid of Losing Control and Not Achieving All My Dreams in Life...

“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
~Thomas A. Edison

I was once told, “You always seem to have your s*it together, no matter what. You are always so positive and confident that everything will be alright. I wish I could have your assurance in life…” I smiled and said, “Would you really want to witness my worries? Do you want to be a constant spectator of my fears? Do you really want to be the perpetual shoulder I cry on, or the ear I complain to constantly? No you wouldn’t…”
So I’m thinking, what good can possibly come from stressing and/or worrying? At least not all the time…. We all stress-out about bills and the debts we have accumulated, and we all worry about our relationships (or lack thereof). We worry, we have fears and doubts. We are jealous, anxious and we get frustrated… Should we carry all those feelings around like a coat for all to see? Should we be comfortable laying in negativity and all of us drown in the same pool of despair? No we shouldn’t…

“You are my friend and I know you have (and will have) my back in my time of need. However, I also know that just as much I have my own qualms, doubts and failures to worry about, you have your own. But believe me, when I am in a place where I can’t deal, fix and sort things out on my own… you will be behind that door I will knock on!”

I am about to knock on that door… the pressure is finally catching up to me… I’m scared that time is flying by faster than my willpower to disable the negative hold my circumstance has on my pictured tomorrow…

I need to regroup. I need to realize - with real eyes - the realities that surround me. I must be absolutely grateful and not in constant wistfulness of the “what ifs”, and “what more”…

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for”

I wish that, while I regroup and let this quote by Epicurus bring me back to appreciating what I’ve achieved thus far, I would automatically see the hidden (but true) meaning of the quote. I wish I would ALWAYS see the sense of progress, the sense of uninterrupted evolvement this quote should enlighten through my life. I’d like to always see that while I should be content and happy with where I am right now, it is okay to feel that I may not be “there” yet. All that should matter is whether or not I’m moving forward, towards wherever “there” happens to be.

Long ago, possibly a lifetime, or even many lifetimes ago, I was a little girl who dreamt big dreams. These were dreams that once I shared them I was told, “You can achieve anything you set your mind to.” I wish I had known that there was no hurry to become a “real” adult. There was no need to fall victim to the “rat race”, making “that money” and being “successful” much to the detriment of everything else. I feel like I have been doing what is expected of me, while not paying attention to what I truly wanted to do. I have been progressing in life but stepping away from my passion… from my big dreams…
I work harder and harder to earn more money to pay bills, the mortgage, sort out the kids’ needs, and afford nice vacations. And when I finally do stop, I realize that I am still not at a point where I can get out of “the race.” No matter how many things I have and accumulate, it is still not good enough. All the while, the days, weeks and years go by so quickly that the dreams I had as a little girl seem to be out of reach… and it is that feeling of being unsatisfied with where I am, and what I have, that puts that un-needed pressure upon my shoulders. It’s the horrible feeling of always wanting more, while not appreciating my accomplishments. I wish I would truly grasp and live by the knowledge that the journey, not the destination, is the real achievement.

“Everybody gets everything they really want” depending on how bad you want it and how long you’ll persevere…

I let circumstances and environments dictate my life, dictate my ups and downs. I let the outside world run my life, instead of listening to the good I have done so far. I let my unaccomplished dreams strip the joy from my previous successes. I am spending most of my life focusing on what I don’t want and wishing for all that I don’t have. I sometimes live in misery for all that I am missing in my life, forgetting about all the things I already have. Everything else moves on, everyone else enjoys the accomplishments as I sit and watch things go by, complaining. But isn’t the one thing I have desired most of all in my life, happiness? For the longest time I have told myself and others what I really want in life is to just be happy… Here I sit, and instead of realizing I have always had it, I find justification in the pity party I am throwing for myself. Isn’t that the way things always work? We always remember the past victories as more important (and victorious) than they were, and we always see the present as worse (and more difficult) than it is. Many of us are guilty of this. Why couldn’t I just understand that even though I’m not where I absolutely want to be, I’m blessed to be where I am…..

Well, thankfully that all changed…

Happiness to me means love, friendship, laughter, inspiring myself, growth and setting challenges for myself to become better. And now that I am focusing on all that I have, instead of all that I don’t have or have missed out on, I see how wealthy I truly am in life. Things I have hoped for, I have; plus some. And for those things I have yet to gain… time is on my side. And even though I had not noticed it before, it continues to multiply daily.

Experience is the best teacher. Everything I have gone through has helped shape the person that I am today, and for that I am grateful. I have learned that I have the capacity for greater potential than I myself realize at times. But the greatest thing that I have learned is to strive for more. You can achieve more than you thought possible and in some way along your journey there are things you will achieve that are greater and bigger than the dreams you have not achieved yet. But instead of always looking back I need to realize that I, along with my dreams, am evolving. I have to realize that I am every bit capable and deserving of achieving great things and experiencing all the love, achievement and excitement this world has to offer.

What fulfilled hope will you acknowledge today?

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