“Knowing my insecurity(ies)
allowed my mind to think
it was
acceptable to ignore them…
Until they became inescapable.
The outside smiles
can no longer hide the inside cries.
The perfect Polaroid
pictures of myself (in my mind) can no longer fade away…”
~Rose Sanderson
How can you live a life focused on
positivity, when the sight of your physical appearance forces you to accept the
unacceptable? They say that “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” So what happens
when what you once called beautiful, is no longer pleasing in your own eyes?
It’s 3:18 in the morning and I’m up. I’m not
awake because of the hubby’s award
winning nasal concert or because of a nightmare on my Avenue. It’s certainly
not because of my house alarm pad that will periodically chime - letting us
know (for the millionth time) that he needs
his battery changed… It’s not because of the tragedies in this world that have
become “faits divers” (daily
occurrences), or the “pick of the month,” which for a quick second makes our
heart skip a beat, while we try to wrap our minds around the why(s) of all these
calamities. Aside from the city-to-city daily happenings/tragedies, we’ve had
some pretty horrible, well publicized, national events. There was the Newtown,
CT shooting, the Boston Marathon terrorist attack and just yesterday, the
devastation a tornado caused in Oklahoma City. All day I shook my head
wondering “WHY!?” every time I got an update on my phone, highlighting the
number of causalities and how many among them were children… I got chills down
my spine… I later got home from work, turned the TV on and saw the latest
updates from OKC. While still in recovery mode, the people of this country are
doing what they do best, helping in the time of need. They are already working
on a streamlined process to help the devastated families who have lost their
homes, their neighborhoods, neighbours, and family members. Some have lost their children.
There’s a lot of talk about rebuilding, raising money, counselling and moving
forward, stronger…
While my heart did skip several beats,
while I shed tears for their pain (and for my blessings) and while I am in
prayer, this is not why I am up typing away. At this very moment, I’m thinking
about something so miniscule in comparison to the world’s problems, yet so very
troubling to me. I feel almost horrible for being concerned with my little
issues, in the face of others losing their lives and life’s possessions, yet
still I can’t shake what I’m feeling. It’s not about vanity; it’s just my
current reality…
“When
your vanity is not your priority…
When
your motivation is not your entourage and what they think of you…
When
your stimulation is not proving someone else wrong…
When
your worry is not that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder…
Why
are you pursuing the smaller you? Why are you chasing what “was” and might
never again be possible?
….
And
because I can’t find solace in the person I see in the mirror, the road to
creating a better me, tapping into the person I am meant to be and getting to a
place of inner happiness will never be completed unless I pursue and achieve a
skinnier me…
The
pursuit of skinny me is not the pursuit of vanity and shallow beauty…
It is
the pursuit of who I am; who my inner self knows herself to be, whose
reflection in the mirror will finally overlap the picture of me cemented in my
brain…
I
believe the Rose I look at every day in the mirror for the last few years is
beautiful, sexy and has no need to feel embarrassed but I just don’t connect
with her. She is not a reality that I am able to connect with and there will
always be sadness behind my eyes when I look at her…”
That was exactly a year ago…
I blog about love and acceptance (of self
and of others). I talk about being positive, prioritizing, counting your
blessings, and living to the fullest. Because life is not a never-ending gift, and while I truly believe and try to live
my lessons, there is this one area that I can’t overcome… I just can’t accept
and move away from it… It’s my struggle with my weight, my appearance. I’m
having a problem with the skin I’m in
at the moment… the love/hate relationship I have with my physical appearance.
I do realize that a “happy life” is not a
perfect life. In the plethora of things that make us blessed children of God,
there is always that one dark cloud that lingers around you, trying to find the
perfect opportunity to take a hit on the contentment you’ve worked hard to
build for yourself; it’s always seeking for the right moment to sucker-punch
you in the eye. 2011 was a trying time in my life and also a year where I
experienced the most life-altering experience of my life. Things were put into
perspective in a way that everything became clear. My future, my priorities, my
goals, my spirituality, my work… my path became clearer. Some may call it an epiphany;
I say it was accepting the wisdom life bestows us along our journey. I should
have felt great right? But instead of marvelling on all of the amazing things
that I had going for me, I spent my days being miserable in my own skin. I was
overweight, unhealthy and couldn’t figure out how to make that change.
2012 came along with the never-ending
battle to lose weight. I got back into running and quickly fell off again. I
lost 15 pounds with Weight Watchers, and then regained 30 pounds as soon as I
reconnected with my bad eating habits…
I miss me! I miss how healthy I was and the
fact that I could feel myself being healthy. I miss having the connection
between my mental and my physical. I miss being able to get up and go for an 8
mile run just because. Anytime. I miss being able to look at myself in the
mirror - and while I can admit it was never an absolute image of perfection; it
was surely okay with me. I miss the confidence in feeling attractive and sexy.
I miss being able to wear anything and everything. I miss me… so what is there to
do but lose the weight or accept what
I have become. Sounds simple, right? Yeah, not so much if you're a type A,
slightly neurotic, perfectionist like me. I'm not overly competitive with
others, but I'm pretty damn competitive with myself. I want to be the best I
can, especially because I know how happy I am at my best. I just can’t settle
in and accept a situation, if I know there is even one other possibility. I want,
if at all possible, the me I lost along the way, 3 years ago.
Everyday I thank God for the new day (and
all my blessings) but that little dark cloud is growing, hovering over me like
an impending storm. I cry looking at myself, I hate looking at myself and that
has to change not only for me but for my relationship with those around me.
There are only two
possible solutions to this. The first, which should be the most important, is
to learn to like myself, however; I have clearly determined that I will never
accept and like this physical me. The second solution (which is what I’ve
chosen) is to turn myself into the person that I want to be… that I need to be,
for my own sanity. I
need to be able to appreciate my body because there is nothing on this earth I
will ever do that does not require its cooperation. I need to get into
shape, not poison it, not abuse it, nor neglect it.
So it is a little passed 3:00am this
morning and I’m up. It’s not because of all of the many important social issues
facing America and the world. It’s not because of the many children that need
food, clothing and shelter. It’s not on account of the state of the economy and
how this will affect my family’s long term goals. I am horrified at what’s
happening in OKC, and I’m praying that God comfort and help the families and
all those affected. It’s not due to rejoicing over the three women who were
rescued from that nightmare in Ohio, although I am elated that they were found.
It might be the silliest, most un-important reason on earth (to some), but I’m
up because I can’t sign off on how far I’ve let my weight slide. I don’t want
to bother anyone while I’m awake, so I’m up making decisions on it right now…
At this very moment, I’m like an addict going
through detox. I have decided to reboot my system; I have decided that I need
to remove everything that is toxic within me. I have decided to discipline
myself so I can get my happy back, so I can love not only the inner beauty I’ve
developed but also my top layer.
“When
your spirit and confidence are your priority
When
your motivation is the connection with self
When
your stimulation is to not settle
When
your worry is being able to live with yourself”
-RS
My challenge is to lose and maintain a
weight loss of 50 lbs. by this same time next year.
I have started a cleansing this week, to
reboot my system and jump start it back with a clean, healthy, toxic free
inside. Next week I will add a running program. We’ll see how this goes, and
I’ll keep you in the loop…
RosieSandz