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Tynt

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Beauty Is Only Skin Deep, But The Battle Goes Much Deeper…


“Knowing my insecurity(ies) allowed my mind to think
it was acceptable to ignore them…
 Until they became inescapable.
The outside smiles can no longer hide the inside cries.
The perfect Polaroid pictures of myself (in my mind) can no longer fade away…”
~Rose Sanderson



How can you live a life focused on positivity, when the sight of your physical appearance forces you to accept the unacceptable? They say that “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” So what happens when what you once called beautiful, is no longer pleasing in your own eyes?

It’s 3:18 in the morning and I’m up. I’m not awake because of the hubby’s award winning nasal concert or because of a nightmare on my Avenue. It’s certainly not because of my house alarm pad that will periodically chime - letting us know (for the millionth time) that he needs his battery changed… It’s not because of the tragedies in this world that have become “faits divers” (daily occurrences), or the “pick of the month,” which for a quick second makes our heart skip a beat, while we try to wrap our minds around the why(s) of all these calamities. Aside from the city-to-city daily happenings/tragedies, we’ve had some pretty horrible, well publicized, national events. There was the Newtown, CT shooting, the Boston Marathon terrorist attack and just yesterday, the devastation a tornado caused in Oklahoma City. All day I shook my head wondering “WHY!?” every time I got an update on my phone, highlighting the number of causalities and how many among them were children… I got chills down my spine… I later got home from work, turned the TV on and saw the latest updates from OKC. While still in recovery mode, the people of this country are doing what they do best, helping in the time of need. They are already working on a streamlined process to help the devastated families who have lost their homes, their neighborhoods, neighbours, and family members. Some have lost their children. There’s a lot of talk about rebuilding, raising money, counselling and moving forward, stronger…

While my heart did skip several beats, while I shed tears for their pain (and for my blessings) and while I am in prayer, this is not why I am up typing away. At this very moment, I’m thinking about something so miniscule in comparison to the world’s problems, yet so very troubling to me. I feel almost horrible for being concerned with my little issues, in the face of others losing their lives and life’s possessions, yet still I can’t shake what I’m feeling. It’s not about vanity; it’s just my current reality…

I wrote a piece In The Pursuit of Skinny Me (Click on the link to read the full post) where I said:

“When your vanity is not your priority…
When your motivation is not your entourage and what they think of you…
When your stimulation is not proving someone else wrong…
When your worry is not that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder…

Why are you pursuing the smaller you? Why are you chasing what “was” and might never again be possible?
….
And because I can’t find solace in the person I see in the mirror, the road to creating a better me, tapping into the person I am meant to be and getting to a place of inner happiness will never be completed unless I pursue and achieve a skinnier me…

The pursuit of skinny me is not the pursuit of vanity and shallow beauty…
It is the pursuit of who I am; who my inner self knows herself to be, whose reflection in the mirror will finally overlap the picture of me cemented in my brain…
I believe the Rose I look at every day in the mirror for the last few years is beautiful, sexy and has no need to feel embarrassed but I just don’t connect with her. She is not a reality that I am able to connect with and there will always be sadness behind my eyes when I look at her…”

That was exactly a year ago…

I blog about love and acceptance (of self and of others). I talk about being positive, prioritizing, counting your blessings, and living to the fullest. Because life is not a never-ending gift, and while I truly believe and try to live my lessons, there is this one area that I can’t overcome… I just can’t accept and move away from it… It’s my struggle with my weight, my appearance. I’m having a problem with the skin I’m in at the moment… the love/hate relationship I have with my physical appearance.

I do realize that a “happy life” is not a perfect life. In the plethora of things that make us blessed children of God, there is always that one dark cloud that lingers around you, trying to find the perfect opportunity to take a hit on the contentment you’ve worked hard to build for yourself; it’s always seeking for the right moment to sucker-punch you in the eye. 2011 was a trying time in my life and also a year where I experienced the most life-altering experience of my life. Things were put into perspective in a way that everything became clear. My future, my priorities, my goals, my spirituality, my work… my path became clearer. Some may call it an epiphany; I say it was accepting the wisdom life bestows us along our journey. I should have felt great right? But instead of marvelling on all of the amazing things that I had going for me, I spent my days being miserable in my own skin. I was overweight, unhealthy and couldn’t figure out how to make that change.
2012 came along with the never-ending battle to lose weight. I got back into running and quickly fell off again. I lost 15 pounds with Weight Watchers, and then regained 30 pounds as soon as I reconnected with my bad eating habits…

I miss me! I miss how healthy I was and the fact that I could feel myself being healthy. I miss having the connection between my mental and my physical. I miss being able to get up and go for an 8 mile run just because. Anytime. I miss being able to look at myself in the mirror - and while I can admit it was never an absolute image of perfection; it was surely okay with me. I miss the confidence in feeling attractive and sexy. I miss being able to wear anything and everything. I miss me… so what is there to do but lose the weight or accept what I have become. Sounds simple, right? Yeah, not so much if you're a type A, slightly neurotic, perfectionist like me. I'm not overly competitive with others, but I'm pretty damn competitive with myself. I want to be the best I can, especially because I know how happy I am at my best. I just can’t settle in and accept a situation, if I know there is even one other possibility. I want, if at all possible, the me I lost along the way, 3 years ago.

Everyday I thank God for the new day (and all my blessings) but that little dark cloud is growing, hovering over me like an impending storm. I cry looking at myself, I hate looking at myself and that has to change not only for me but for my relationship with those around me.
There are only two possible solutions to this. The first, which should be the most important, is to learn to like myself, however; I have clearly determined that I will never accept and like this physical me. The second solution (which is what I’ve chosen) is to turn myself into the person that I want to be… that I need to be, for my own sanity. I need to be able to appreciate my body because there is nothing on this earth I will ever do that does not require its cooperation.  I need to get into shape, not poison it, not abuse it, nor neglect it.

So it is a little passed 3:00am this morning and I’m up. It’s not because of all of the many important social issues facing America and the world. It’s not because of the many children that need food, clothing and shelter. It’s not on account of the state of the economy and how this will affect my family’s long term goals. I am horrified at what’s happening in OKC, and I’m praying that God comfort and help the families and all those affected. It’s not due to rejoicing over the three women who were rescued from that nightmare in Ohio, although I am elated that they were found. It might be the silliest, most un-important reason on earth (to some), but I’m up because I can’t sign off on how far I’ve let my weight slide. I don’t want to bother anyone while I’m awake, so I’m up making decisions on it right now…
At this very moment, I’m like an addict going through detox. I have decided to reboot my system; I have decided that I need to remove everything that is toxic within me. I have decided to discipline myself so I can get my happy back, so I can love not only the inner beauty I’ve developed but also my top layer.

“When your spirit and confidence are your priority
When your motivation is the connection with self
When your stimulation is to not settle
When your worry is being able to live with yourself”
-RS

My challenge is to lose and maintain a weight loss of 50 lbs. by this same time next year.
I have started a cleansing this week, to reboot my system and jump start it back with a clean, healthy, toxic free inside. Next week I will add a running program. We’ll see how this goes, and I’ll keep you in the loop…


RosieSandz
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