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Monday, October 21, 2013

Even If...

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore.
It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
~Deborah Reber
Sometimes you have to face the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be... even if... Once you understand this basic principle, you can now begin the difficult process of tending to your wounds, and healing.
Although, my first sentence could be one that shows relief, or a benediction of sorts, because it can allow you to free yourself from regret and look towards the future. Unfortunately, for me it’s not that easy... The reason I’m having these thoughts is not because I'm accepting and moving forward but because while I'm doing those things, I'm still missing the way things were... Some people can adapt to change quickly and move on from wherever they were. Then there are others who get so comfortable in a situation or a place, that when they leave (or it’s taken from them) they feel as though they’re having an asthma attack, losing air by the second.
So many things have changed in my life in the past few years. And while I'm doing great (by many people’s standards), trying to manage all these thresholds, and going on planned and unplanned road trips, I'm not doing so well in staying focused on what's ahead...
I came back early from one of my trips the other day; the hubby picked me up and we decided to surprise our baby-girl by picking her up from school. I can't even begin to think of when the last time was, that she had her mom and dad pick her up. We got close to her school and parked where we knew she would usually walk by, on her way to her marraine (godmother) and we waited... After 10 minutes, I see this familiar silhouette getting closer to the car. She is walking, while looking at her phone.  She is wearing black, cropped, skinny pants, a beautiful black "see-through polka dot shirt", and LV loafers. Her hair is pulled back into a low ponytail... I'm looking at myself walk pass the car I'm sitting in... When did this happen? Where is she? I opened the car door and yelled, "JAZZMENINA!"
Yes, it's baby-girl...
A year ago, I would've picked up the phone and called a few friends who also have daughters and shared with them the craziness of life, and compared the "changes," just to get reassured that no, I'm not going crazy by wishing she was still a baby girl; instead of this cloned alien in my home. But along with the kids growing up and life happening, things have changed... Relationships have changed or have been lost. It’s easy when you get rid of that pain in your back you’ve been living with for years; you’re happy to see it leave. What about when what you’ve lost is the thing that made your heart happy? There’s no “going away party.” Sometimes there are just tears.  
Maybe I didn't nurture it the way I should have
Maybe I didn't put in the effort needed to salvage it
Maybe I wasn't as understanding as I should've been
Maybe it just wasn't meant to last a lifetime and
Maybe time was up...
We learn to live with what we’re missing, building up walls that make everything seem alright. This is of course, until the day you want to pick up the phone or that moment you need to text that 1 person you know will understand you and you can't...
It is truly amazing the changes a year’s span can bring into your life. I said it so many times, today is the result of everything I could've taken from yesterday, from the past... Things are the way they are for a reason and while it is hard to let go of certain things, people and memories, we have to come to terms with it. Even if a mistake was made, today is the natural, the organic result. Today is ALL you have. So please feel free to make the most of it.
So yes, sometimes you have to face the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be... even if you miss them dearly... But the good news is, today you have a chance to make new alliances with happiness. We all have to make those steps and take that course of action. Here’s to the future…
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