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Tynt

Monday, December 30, 2013

Facing Myself In My Lonely Road...

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not;
and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
                                     ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow



It’s time to stop hiding and embrace all your blessings and be happy again...

I usually know all the right things to say, all the right things to do, and I even know what is expected of me. I have no fallacies about what is thought of me at any given moment, primarily because I know it is in direct response to what I am putting out of myself. But even with that priceless knowledge, I can’t manage to be what will make me ultimately happy…
I feel like I’m losing the battle against the “holy trinity” of self-love - believing in myself, being content with myself, and accepting myself.

I’d like to believe that I’m very in touch with who I am. Over the past few years, I have embarked on this journey of working on myself and finding my purpose. The foremost thing I’ve searched for is to understand the ins and outs of every turn I have taken in life, or the ones I’m getting ready to take. And while this has been one of the most rewarding journeys, in learning and becoming aware of my own Life Lessons, it is also one that has shaken me to the core, bringing concerning doubts, anxieties, and shining a light on where stability is needed…                                                 
I close my eyes, and how I picture myself is me standing and swinging my arms aimlessly, kicking blindly, trying to fight away this feeling of depression that seems to want to take me over… slowly and insidiously – yes, like “The Conjuring.”
I open my eyes and wonder how did I let things get to this point? How did I allow myself to abuse the button that controls my contentment? When did I give myself the power to threaten my happy?

Going on about 3 years now, I have had trouble sleeping, no matter how exhausted I am. Once I’m asleep it only last for a few hours and as soon as I wake up, I can’t get back to sleep. I have conditioned my body and my brain to function with the bare minimum of sleep and to consider any 8 hour period of sleep, a moment’s luxury.
I have become somewhat of an introvert because when I’m around other people or amongst my friends, it’s gotten to the point where I can’t find the strength to put on a smile and pretend to be ok. I go out with friends and I just struggle to join in with conversation and be “happy.” I’d rather retire to a corner and just be. The realization of my disposition is so blatant that I end up struggling to hold back tears.

When did I become this person that will shy away from human interaction? The more impersonal it is, the more comfortable I am. Work has given me the purpose and the sense of accomplishment I need. The hubby and my babies are my sanity as they are giving me the love, validation and the sense of security I need. My spirituality is my salvation but I’m so empty inside AND I know that I don’t want my world to be this limited… It never was…what happened?

“Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.”
~Alan Cohen

It has been creeping up on me… My favourite thing to do now is be on my computer, my favourite place to be is in my bed, my favourite people to be around is me, myself and I. I've been feeling terrible for a while and I know a mild depression has set in; but the only problem is that I have absolutely no reason to feel like this. I have a beautiful family, good friends, a good job, etc. But I always feel discontentment, I always feel challenged and that my life isn’t where it needs to be. Many of the things I once enjoyed, I've now completely lost interest in and can't find any motivation inside me whatsoever. I haven't talked about it to anyone because there really is no reason in my life for me to feel this way, I just do... but those close to me have noticed and I owe it to them to face whatever it is that is keeping me in a lethargic standstill… I’m like that kid in the classroom that everyone keeps two eyes on, praying that I don’t go on a rampage in the school. You know the ones - the kid who has a beautiful home, complete with mom, dad, sister, dog, cat and 2 goldfish. The kid who usually has a trust fund, a letter of acceptance from any Ivy League College of their choice, and that received a Mercedes convertible for on their 17th birthday. They seemingly have not a care in the world – but for some reason beyond anyone’s comprehension, they’re not complete. There’s no logical reason for me to be stuck in emotional limbo, in fact, I have every reason in the world to shout how happy I am from the mountain top. Maybe it’s my perception that needs adjustment…

A while back I wrote about not letting anyone steal your happy; well it is time for me to start looking within as I am stealing my own.                                                 
I need for the Hubby to stop looking for the Rose who’s just breathing, but to have her back alive instead…
I need for my babies to know that mommy is more than a loving provider but a loving parent who wants to have fun with them…
I need for my friends to no longer have to hear from me, “Sorry, I’m not keeping in touch/don’t want to hang out, but I love you.” Instead, I need to make time for them…
BUT mostly, I need to look at myself and let go of the need for more.
Instead of blaming others for stealing my joy, I need to reclaim it from myself.
I need to let life and love in because I’m deserving of the gift and attention…
I need to reach out to those I’ve willingly and unwillingly pushed away…
I need to reach for that energy that allows us to participate and fully enjoy life…

And maybe all I need is to look back over my life, and give thanks for where I am….

“‎"Nothing binds you except your thoughts; nothing limits you except your fear; and nothing controls you except your beliefs.”

~Marianne Williamson
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