“Every man has
his secret sorrows which the world knows not;
and often times
we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
It’s time to stop hiding and embrace all
your blessings and be happy again...
I usually know all the right things to say,
all the right things to do, and I even know what is expected of me. I have no
fallacies about what is thought of me at any given moment, primarily because I
know it is in direct response to what I am putting out of myself. But even with
that priceless knowledge, I can’t manage to be what will make me ultimately
happy…
I feel like I’m losing the battle against
the “holy trinity” of self-love - believing in myself, being content with
myself, and accepting myself.
I’d like to believe that I’m very in touch
with who I am. Over the past few years, I have embarked on this journey of
working on myself and finding my purpose. The foremost thing I’ve searched for
is to understand the ins and outs of
every turn I have taken in life, or the ones I’m getting ready to take. And
while this has been one of the most rewarding journeys, in learning and
becoming aware of my own Life Lessons,
it is also one that has shaken me to the core, bringing concerning doubts,
anxieties, and shining a light on where stability is needed…
I close my eyes, and how I picture myself
is me standing and swinging my arms aimlessly, kicking blindly, trying to fight
away this feeling of depression that seems to want to take me over… slowly and
insidiously – yes, like “The Conjuring.”
I open my eyes and wonder how did I let
things get to this point? How did I allow myself to abuse the button that controls
my contentment? When did I give myself the power to threaten my happy?
Going on about 3 years now, I have had
trouble sleeping, no matter how exhausted I am. Once I’m asleep it only last
for a few hours and as soon as I wake up, I can’t get back to sleep. I have conditioned
my body and my brain to function with the bare minimum of sleep and to consider
any 8 hour period of sleep, a moment’s luxury.
I have become somewhat of an introvert
because when I’m around other people or amongst my friends, it’s gotten to the
point where I can’t find the strength to put on a smile and pretend to be ok. I
go out with friends and I just struggle to join in with conversation and be
“happy.” I’d rather retire to a corner and just be. The realization of my disposition is so blatant that I end up struggling
to hold back tears.
When did I become this person that will shy
away from human interaction? The more impersonal it is, the more comfortable I
am. Work has given me the purpose and the sense of accomplishment I need. The
hubby and my babies are my sanity as they are giving me the love, validation
and the sense of security I need. My spirituality is my salvation but I’m so
empty inside AND I know that I don’t
want my world to be this limited… It never was…what happened?
“Those
who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold
about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness
when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when
you are confused.”
~Alan
Cohen
It has been creeping up on me… My favourite
thing to do now is be on my computer, my favourite place to be is in my bed, my
favourite people to be around is me, myself and I. I've been feeling terrible
for a while and I know a mild depression has set in; but the only problem is
that I have absolutely no reason to feel like this. I have a beautiful family,
good friends, a good job, etc. But I always feel discontentment, I always feel challenged
and that my life isn’t where it needs to be. Many of the things I once enjoyed,
I've now completely lost interest in and can't find any motivation inside me
whatsoever. I haven't talked about it to anyone because there really is no
reason in my life for me to feel this way, I just do... but those close to me
have noticed and I owe it to them to face whatever it is that is keeping me in
a lethargic standstill… I’m like that kid in the classroom that everyone keeps
two eyes on, praying that I don’t go on a rampage in the school. You know the
ones - the kid who has a beautiful home, complete with mom, dad, sister, dog,
cat and 2 goldfish. The kid who usually has a trust fund, a letter of
acceptance from any Ivy League College of their choice, and that received a
Mercedes convertible for on their 17th birthday. They seemingly have
not a care in the world – but for some reason beyond anyone’s comprehension,
they’re not complete. There’s no logical reason for me to be stuck in emotional
limbo, in fact, I have every reason in the world to shout how happy I am from
the mountain top. Maybe it’s my perception that needs adjustment…
A while back I wrote about not letting
anyone steal your happy; well it is time for me to start looking within as I am
stealing my own.
I need for the Hubby to stop looking for the Rose who’s just breathing, but to
have her back alive instead…
I need for my babies to know that mommy is
more than a loving provider but a loving parent who wants to have fun with
them…
I need for my friends to no longer have to
hear from me, “Sorry, I’m not keeping in
touch/don’t want to hang out, but I love you.” Instead, I need to make time
for them…
BUT mostly, I need to look at myself and
let go of the need for more.
Instead of blaming others for stealing my
joy, I need to reclaim it from myself.
I need to let life and love in because I’m
deserving of the gift and attention…
I need to reach out to those I’ve willingly
and unwillingly pushed away…
I need to reach for that energy that allows us to participate and fully enjoy life…
And maybe all I need is to look back over
my life, and give thanks for where I am….
“"Nothing
binds you except your thoughts; nothing limits you except your fear; and
nothing controls you except your beliefs.”
~Marianne
Williamson
RosieSandz
