Remembering Who I am...

“The closer you come to knowing that you alone create the world of your experience, the more vital it becomes for you to discover just who is doing the creating.”

~ Eric Micha'el Leventhal

Well, February is almost gone and I haven’t posted a thing on my blog or even worked on anything for that matter. That's not so good. But let’s talk about being buried under a shit load of work and being pulled away from all my extremities!!! Yes - that is how I feel right now and so I’ll use that as a reason for all the things I can’t get to. 

So it’s 2:30(ish) in the AM, and I’m thinking of the work I have to get done in a couple of hours. While the mental to do list is getting longer and longer, the need to make this day the “start over” of my weekly routine prevails over the need of sleep. I got about 2.5 hours of sleep yesterday, and will probably pull the same amount of sleep today but I’ll be darned if I don’t have a post out of thisJ.

Well, for those that might not know me or have forgotten about me (just that quickly), I am Rosiesandz. For those who have been returning to my page, patiently waiting for an update, I’m still alive… Great place to be when thinking of the alternative, right?

It’s amazing how personal commitment can take over your life, to the point that when you don’t meet your personal goals, schedule or expectations, you feel a small sense of failure. So before I sink deep into that self-pity mode, I look around and realize that time awaits no one. Life keeps marching on (that’s for every single one of us) and sometimes when I look and think at the millions of “things” I have to do, attend to and hopefully accomplish, blogging (or sometime the random rambling of my thoughts like what’s happening today) has sadly become very low on the totem-pole of my priorities!

It seems like keeping up with things that I love (and enjoy) doing or simply maintaining an even-keeled temper, so I can be enjoyable at all times around the people that I love, is a battle I have conceded…unknowingly. BUT… isn’t it always like that? Changes for the worst always creep up on you and surface when you least expect it (or maybe, just maybe it’s that you just chose to ignore the changes until it is too late).

I was told that I seem on edge lately; that I am quickly aggravated and annoyed. I let my mind wander; it drifts towards vainly attempting to understand if it’s an accurate assessment of my current behavior, or if it is just someone else’s personal perception.

Yes, my routine has changed… Yes, right now I feel like I’m in the corporate world, getting paid the minimum hourly wage due to the amount of working hours my days consist of (so you know this is not a great feeling L)… Yes, I’m extremely sensitive and at times, irritable… Yes, juggling kids, the hubby, our home and work has proven to be challenging at times BUT its one thing for you to realize that world you only are momentarily stuck in, instead of thinking that this world is yours forever! So while I can recognize that I’ve lost some of the good in me, somewhere along my journey, I need to make sure it’s just a temporary loss. It’s time to jump back on the saddle of who I know myself to be and not continue to promote this new era that people perceive me (or things concerning me) to be at a very basic level, the level of this moment!

Seriously, stuff is thrown at us all day long. Some of it is so understated that we don't even recognize it and it flies below our radar. But it's good to remember that just because someone tells you something about their perception of you and your attitude; it doesn't mean it's true. Even if, and even more, it comes from the most genuine, loving caring place - you better make sure it's your truth before you accept it... particularly if it's a judgment on your character…and behavior!

With age we become stubborn and steadfast about who we “know we are” and while there is no smoke without a fire, we also need to be our own defense lawyer… and that is something I am figuring out now more than ever.

Anyways, along this train of thought, I am going to end by saying…

While all that I am – genuinely and truthfully, laid out for everyone to see and know or who I am behind closed doors, secretly - is always all clearly laid out for HIM to see, I can tell you that HE is still my number one fan!

With that being said, who I am, isn’t reliant on who anyone thinks I am. Who I am is reliant on who I know myself to be (with no fallacies on my part) and it is time for me to reconnect with who I am and be me all over again so my love ones are not worried, or confused…

“Sometimes we live our lives like puzzle pieces turned upside down - only showing the world our gray sides. Then along comes life, and it starts flipping them over, showing to us and the world more than just the outline of who we are - it shows us the colors. If we can start to turn more over and put them together, we can see the picture of who we really emerge.”

~ Manifest

RosieSandz