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Tynt

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

When You Hear "You're a pretty black girl" Smile and Say “You damn right I am!”


The key to life is being comfortable 'in and out' of your own skin... 'In' your skin enough to truly like who you are, 'out' of it enough to get over yourself.
~BJ Morin


Dark Skinned documentary... My surrogate niece asked me today thru a Facebook post what I thought about the subject. I have been seating on it for a big part of the day and my thoughts have gone 100 different ways… 
I felt upset, then just as fast I felt annoyed at the ignorance...
I felt offended but again quickly, I felt amused at the stupidity…

Black people talk about “shaming” of our ethnicity and racism against our race as if it was other races’ (especially Caucasian’) guilty pleasure. And while that might be as true as me saying the sun will rise tomorrow morning, we can’t ignore the self-hatred (which use to be covert) we now openly and brashly practice customarily against ourselves!
A few years ago I opened a conversation on what I found factual when talking about Self-Hatred. The question was “Self-Hatred is really implemented at an early age... And who is really responsible? The media (All forms of it) or the ones who shaped us (parents, family members, teachers...)?”

Black women, we carry so much luggage. History, past experiences have created -bloodshed, tear drenched- manuals which map ways to a life we should aspire to live by, be appreciated and respected in. Where we should’ve learned from past circumstances and the degrading treatments we endured from others because of our full lips, our wide hips, our luscious curves, our unruly hair but mostly because of the color of our skin, some idiotically chose to validate and perpetrate the behavior. They perpetrate the behavior because the light shade of their skins made them believes they were superior or because the darkness of their skin kept their self-esteem on the low, dark side…
We can’t blame all of it on media. Our direct entourage, the family unit has to take partial responsibility as we engrain behavior from our own behavior.

Now mainstream media is definitely not off the hook… Who in this day and age is invulnerable to social influence?
I could go on about the music business glamourizing the light skinned girls…
I could continue on with the movie business idolizing the light skinned girls…
I could finish with the publishing business that uses the glamourized light skinned singers, the idolized light skinned actress and alter them even more to make them as close as possible to the image of what is viewed as the ultimate beauty (Caucasian beauty) while  maintaining a political correct level of “exoticism”…

My mind has settled as I felt pity for the beautiful black woman (or man) who doesn’t know, who doesn’t see, who doesn’t realize and doesn’t appreciate how beautiful she/he is.
My heart is at peace because I have a beautiful (inside AND out), confident, self-assured and unafraid little girl who EVERY day knows that she is loved. She knows it because she can feel and hear it, and every day she is told how beautiful she is. It's sad to me that there are many many many girls out there that don't feel, hear or know their self-worth...

So you want to know my point of view… Well here it is

Where our similarities should have made us stronger, it made us weaker. Diversity, which is part of the world DNA, instead of being cherished, brought discernment against our differences, ultimately brought racial discrimination and this amongst us!
Why is it that birds of  feather will sometimes congregate together but can’t pledge to look out for one another? Uh?
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” So what happens when you can’t appreciate the basis of who you are? How would you appreciate the similarity of you in someone else? Remember the black in you, that makes you who you are will not go away if and when you put down or take away from your "sister"

Start with loving yourself and you’ll see it is deeper than the color of one’s skin!
RosieSandz

Sunday, November 8, 2015

I Love Being In Love...



Has anyone ever asked you, or have you ever asked the question, "Do you love me, or are you IN love with me?" Wherever you stood (being either the asker or the receiver of the question, and not really sure of what the nuance(s) between the two options is/are), I'm sure you knew you had to come up with (or hear), one heck of a great answer...

I think I can finally put my answer in writing...

It's two totally different things; to love and to be in love but both are very necessary in a relationship. The latter, in sustaining the relationship, and the first in establishing that there is (in fact) a meaningful relationship.
To Love and To Be In Love are for me an oxymoron... Maybe one of the biggest oxymorons ever...

To LOVE is that security you feel, that sense of peace THE one brings to your life.
To LOVE is regardless (or in spite) of the test of time, you deeply care, you genuinely appreciate, feel an indescribable connection set by the familiarity your relationship has brought to your day to day.
To LOVE is even through the "downs" your nights are only comfortable when laying beside him/her and seeking for their arms to protect you, to house your dreams, and feeling happy waking up beside them.
To LOVE is to look into their eyes and still have the passion you had, even if in a quieter way...
To LOVE is the constant; the familiarity.
It is the understanding that with them, all will be okay, even in disarray.

To Be In LOVE is what keep my Love alive.
To Be In LOVE, is the total opposite of To Love...
It's walking on uncertain ground, still wanting to seduce, still seeing a challenge in what's "yours"...
Granted? What is granted?
To Be In Love is keeping the familiarity of love from being your everyday morning.
To Be In Love you feel at time like the relation is bigger than you...
- that burning desire
- that yearning you feel inside even miles away...
- that need of the touch, the sound, the feel, the sight of him/her
Being in love keeps you together through the thick and thin, it keeps you on your toes ready to fight.

My hubby, The Hubby; I love him... I respect the man that he is. I love the peace and sense of security he brings to my life, along with the soothing aptitude he has over my -at times- temperamental personality.

Next week will mark our 24th year together... We were 20 years old when I fell in love.
Today, his voice turns something on in me, his kisses...excite me, the way he looks at me... really something I can't explain.
After all these years, I have no shame admitting the jealousy he brings out of me because I not only LOVE him but I'm also deeply IN LOVE with him.

YES... I Love Being In Love...

RosieSandz

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Setbacks; The Best Springboards to Comebacks…

Not all need to be shared, and not all need to weigh upon your happiness…

“The place where you are right now God circled on a map for you
Wherever your eyes and arms and heart can move
Our Beloved has bowed there knowing
You were coming…”
~Hafiz


Have you heard the expression, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” Well, I have; so much so, that for me it also meant, “If you don’t have anything good to share, don’t share anything at all!”
When I use social media, I pride myself on keeping things as real, truthful, and as authentic as I can without compromising my family, friends, and my privacy. When I have bad days or I think something is crap and needs to be called out, I have no shame in calling it like it is… When I have good days (or great days, and I am on a “high”), I love to share those moments because hopefully, it will be contagious to at least one person, or just because it makes me happy.
However, two months ago I decided to put myself on a self-imposed hiatus from my blog, Facebook… I remember thinking, “Rosie (that’s how I refer to myself when I’m upset), you don’t want to continuously hear others’ misery, so what makes you think anyone wants to hear your shit?” I was so consumed by my feelings, negative feelings, that I had nothing, NOTHING good to share…
I felt so unhappy with myself that I felt I didn’t have much to offer, so I felt the need to unplug.

So fast forward to yesterday. I thought I was still doing the right thing. At this point, I missed the interactions but was okay without it until…

The simplest conversation brings up the biggest “Aha” moments…

Sunday morning in our kitchen, laughs, teases, talks… a usual day at the Sanderson’s and then the conversation turned very specific - “Who is the happiest person in our family?” Ummm…
I listened as two felt that they were the happiest, one felt he was the 2nd happiest, and to where they felt everyone else were in comparison to themselves…
My kids both felt I was the happiest in our family (internally I was in shocked), The Hubby thought the opposite, and while I didn’t think I was the least happy, I personally felt I was 2nd to last… So I asked, “Why do you each feel that way about me?
Jazzy said, “You are always happy mommy and if you weren’t then I never know it.”
The Hubby said, “I know you are so aggravated about your injury and you keep telling me how unhappy you are because of it and how it affects you so…”

Yes truly, it’s in the simplest conversation that “Aha” moments are revealed…

Can I first say how blessed, thankful and relieved I am to hear my babygirl say that she never felt what I “perceived” to be unhappy moments or unhappy vibes from me? I now realized how hurt I would’ve been if she had said anything different…
And secondly, can I also say how in that exact moment, I couldn’t have asked for a better mate than the one standing in front of me?

His answers caused my brain to think at a speed I never thought I could.
-          There is no crisis in my life…
-          I am healthy…injured? Yes but healthy with healthy relationships around me…
-          My family is my purpose in life; I have so much to be grateful for…
-          I have a job that is frustrating at times but that I love…
-          And today…this moment…is yesterday’s dream… I made it!

Setbacks and minor problems sometimes take over our minds so that we forget the core of who we are what makes us happy, and we focus on the negative to the point we let our minds talk us out of our own happiness. We harm ourselves by thinking happiness needs to be a constant state of joy, euphoria, bliss, and palpable blessings. And it’s in moments like this, open conversations around the kitchen counter, the innocent moments in our lives that show us we’re happy, even if we’re not conscious of it.

Some people are after 15 minutes of fame. After my injury, I was after 15 minutes of self-pity and I milked it! So here is my life lesson on dealing with “setbacks”:
Setbacks are not an automatic “end of the road” to happiness; it is just part of life…for all of us. While we think our timing is the end all/be all, the universe doesn’t skip a beat in showing us who is in control! It seems I was the only clueless one. If I had to hear one more time “Rose, this is God’s way to tell you to seat your butt down somewhere and slow down,” I think I would’ve blown a fuse among other things!!! But it’s true, there’s always something good in every situation, we just have to take the time to realize
What situation we are in?
Why we are in the situation we’re in?
Allow time to do what it does best and not give in to impatience (Google “impatience” and my picture is right there so…easier said than done!) because the lesson needs to be learned and not overlooked, so you don’t find yourself in the same predicament.

While I was feeling content indulging in my self-imposed misery, I realize now what a slippery slope I was on…
I am thankful my babies never knew me to be unhappy…
I am thankful The Hubby was able to define what I “called” unhappiness to be something trivial and inconsequential…
I am thankful that I know what really matters, and this funk is just a moment in time…

I am thankful that in both case the base of who I am, what I have built, who we are as a unit, and where we are meant to be wasn’t altered and this simply because The place where we are right now, God circled on a map for us!

RosieSandz

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

My Dad… The one who looks over me…


 
My father…my dad…my daddy…
 
While I spoke fondly of him and our relation, there’s truly no amount of posts that would be enough to describe who/what kind of man he was but mostly how much I miss him…how much we miss him… 
So if you haven’t heard my story about him, if you haven’t seen the smile in my eyes when I think about him, if you never crossed his path then you are missing out on knowing one of THE best human being there was and today there is less in this world without him. 
 
16 years today that he left us to his forever. 
 
Today I looked at myself in the mirror and I smile because I saw the reflection of what he taught me, what he instilled in me. 
He told me and showed me my value. 
He boosted my self-esteem because I was one of his princesses.
He told me to not be anything less than independent and strong because he knew I was capable.
He showed me love because I was one of his invaluable prizes, I was his wealth…    
 
The confident person that I am and who you all look at every day is really made from the mold he created of me for me. HE was truly THE AMAZING guy and no matter what happened, happens or will happen in my life, HE will forever be the man I love the most in this world...

I love you dad❤️                                   
 
RosieSandz

Friday, May 1, 2015

The Things We Live By… The Things That Define Us…

“Your choices become your directions the moment you start to implement them. When you make choices and you don’t implement them, your choices may be the best ever, but the most useless.”
― Israelmore Ayivor



Do you have any concerns about life? Concerns about YOUR life and how you want to live it…
Or maybe should I ask; do you know what your Philosophy of Life is? Everyone has their unique Philosophy of Life, whether they realize it or not… at least that is what I believe.

Nothing like a birthday, an additional notch on your “lifebelt” to bring up questions, to want to make you reassess choices you've made, close or open doors you staked on, or simply… give you a chance to pause, breath and appreciate where and how you are standing right on this new year…

Philosophy: “A particular set of ideas about knowledge, truth, the nature and meaning of life, etc…”

A PoL will usually apply to (and not change depending on any given situation), something, an idea, a belief that is factual to you, and that no matter what you do, say, see, or experience it will always remain a fact… You naturally revert to your PoL because it encompasses “the how” to your happiness…
I also believe that your PoL can change depending on where you are in life… Well, I’m not 100% certain if it’s changing, or just adding characteristics to refine it but what I know is that you need to commit to your beliefs while keeping an open mind to different ways and different traditions.

After many years of living, (and probably the opposite of how I come across to the few who take the time to read my randomness - Life Lessons), I don’t have it all figured out and I can bank on the fact that I probably will never have it figured out. With that being said, every “today” that I have woken up to experience, has brought so much wisdom to my “tomorrows” that the summation of years lived have so far allowed me to learn more, to be more discerning, to be more judicious in my choice, and to be more understanding of life…
With age I’ve learned a few things. One of the things I’ve learned is that the person I am today is the result of (or the combination of) all the wisdom I’ve summarized into guides of how my life’s path should be navigated. Small philosophies which are all about questions and possible answers… philosophies that translate to commitment because they are deep in accepting, deeper in understanding, deepest in putting into practice and when they are all put together, they make us who we are…

I believe that while two people may have the same PoL, the way they got to it is rarely the same. The experience is less likely to be the same. Things like deception, birth, death, love, expectation, disappointment, struggle, success, failure, hurdles, mistakes, joy, sorrow, triumph, happiness, etc., are what experiences are made from. The way you bounce back from the experience, the “take away” from the experience is what will shape a person’s philosophy. Your PoL will vary depending on your life experience. I believe that no two people will have seen life in the same way…similar but not the same.

 “Live life to the fullest…”
“Don’t sweat the small stuff…”
“Work on making the grass around you greener…”
“All in due time…”
“Don’t be a passenger in your life, be the driver…”
“Live and Learn… Nothing is ever in vain…”
“Everything in moderation is one of the keys to happiness…”
“Today is what today is… Tomorrow is your opportunity…”

These are some of the PoL’s in my lifeJ. With the years, I have mastered a few of them and within the same years, I have had the opportunity to work and better myself through them. Every defining moment in my life brought up a new PoL, or just a refinement of it. I do believe that I am a better person today than I ever been, because tomorrow is my opportunity to do better and to be better.

I strive to live a full life each day, laugh, and love deeply. I try to be nicer; to not give up on patience J… I tried every day to learn how to be a better Rose, to be a good friend, a good mom and partner.
I try to set realistic expectations for myself and those around me. I welcome any opportunities to learn by not being afraid of failure and by remembering that all I can do is try harder next time and learn from my mistakes. At times it might feel as though it’s moving slowly but believe you me, life is going by quicker and faster than any of us really want it to, so make every day count…


To the fullest of you  
RosieSandz

Saturday, April 25, 2015

My Heart on These Pages...


If you could write a message to (each one of) your children, and put it in a time capsule for them to read 20, 30 years from now, what would you write to them?

There are so many things I would love to write to them. Hopefully, things that I have said millions of times before like, “I Love You” or “I Love You Most”… Doesn't matter how much you've said it, there will never be enough time to say it enough. There isn’t a day when I don’t say it… my goal is that they take that fact at face value, not take it for granted, bank it, and see it fortify like a strong investment...
So yes, I would start my message by not asking them if they know how much I love them but simply by saying, as usual, “I Love You… I Love you most.”

Although I always wanted to have children, no one could have ever made me understand how rewarding and binding the love would be; no one could have explained to me how much my life would change after having my babies, and now we’re here. The reality of it all is that I don’t want to have to write a message I couldn’t tell them myself, as it translates to separation and the realities that life’s journey brings.

Today, I said bye to my 3 babies, and while I settled for my flight away from them, I feel this familiar pain. I feel like I am having a heart attack. The bands of my bra are constricting my chest, make breathing difficult. I do what has become a ritual for me. I look out the small window and I release. I release by surrendering to God (remember it is always at your most challenging, vulnerable moment that you remember The ONE who is really in control… and lately, HE is more than ever in the forefront of my mind). “God I put my life in your hands because only you know what "IS" for me. If anything would happen to me, please make sure my babies grow up knowing the love I gave them is everywhere to be found ... and allow them to find it quickly. Please don't let TheHubby ever feel as though his shoulder will never be strong enough to carry our family on his own. And while I leave it in your loving hands, know that my deepest desire is to be the one to give them the love throughout their life's moments, and to be TheHubby's partner in carrying our family."

I would tell them how their happiness became my main purpose in life…
Not too long ago, my son-by-another-mom (my nephew Deff J) posted the sweetest picture of a young him with my babygirl, with a caption that read “Nostalgic”.  My heart melted faster than an ice cream cone under the Arizona heat. As a comment I wrote,

“This squeezes my heart in places only you, my babies (I gave birth to two but I could swear I had five) can. I'm so overwhelmed by the blessing I have as life is allowing you all to grow together. When you will become the amazing father I know you will be, you will understand how much of a relief it is to know that your children have that brother/sister, that sibling love that transcends everything and anything…While I'm assured that I have many years ahead of me, I can't help to think sometimes of when that one day comes and as a parent I will have to say goodbye; to know that bond of yours is there brings an amazing peace in my heart. I Love you; love you all...so much”

My father used to say, “Your wealth is determined by your children.” Even knowing and believing his wisdom, I came to know that my kids were my purpose in life when I carried my first born in my arm and 3 years later, my babygirl. The first time I got to hold him, something changed in me. I became aware that there is more than me, there’s more than me and my happiness because from that day forward, my happiness was contingent on someone else’s.
In my message I would remind them how their smile made me the happiest; how their laugh would make my life brighter.
I would hope that when they open the capsule, I’d still be around as I know there will be so many more things I could teach them, tell them and show them...

The joys of having and raising a child are unmeasurable! The responsibility is tremendous but outweighs the idea of not having them. The privilege of being their mother is indescribable as they have taught me more about life, love, and myself, than anyone who has ever been in my life. They have changed my perception of what life is and should be.
While I liked to think that I am their world, I will let them KNOW that they are mine…
While I liked to believe I am being a role model I will let them KNOW that they are/were behind every decision I ever made…
I would tell them that they’ve shown and made me discover things which in turn, allowed me to teach them about life…

Many of you are wondering why I'm writing this post which they could potentially see and that is exactly my point...
My message to them needs to resonate like a song they love to hear time and time again, like a movie they've seen so many times that they know the sequence of each frame...
My message would be for them a déjà vu and not a narrative of what I should've said or should've done...
I would end by saying, “In this life journey of yours, the two things you always have to remember is to LIVE it according to values you are comfortable with and to LOVE it because you are in control of your happiness…You are the only legacy that matters in my life, I truly hope that the person you both will become is one you love as much as I loved being part of the ground work.”

Everything is as it should be; everything is going to be alright. Trust in that. Trust that you will always end up where you’re meant to be. Tragedy and challenging situations will teach you important lessons that you never dreamed you were going to learn.  
      Remember, often times when things are falling apart, they are actually falling into place         

In my capsule there will be a gift for each one of them. My gift will be a bonded book(s) of all my Life Lessons for when they need help and I’m no longer there to guide them and for them to understand the person I was…


Remember… I Love YOU Most…
RosieSandz

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Not Everything Can Be a Mistake... Life Won't Allow It

 
“A mistake isn’t a mistake unless it can’t be put right.”
~ Sophie Kinsella



And when you can’t “put right” a mistake you’ve made, it’s simply because it was a bad decision that life won’t allow you to forget… Forgetting will leave the door open for you to make the same mistake again, inevitably.

Can you look back and pin-point every defining moment that shaped your life’s trajectory? Can you recognize the actions (or the decisions) you've made, placed you in the position you’re in today? While what felt right may have actually ended up being right, undoubtedly there were wrong turns -wrong decisions were made...
Every day you are given an opportunity to make decisions that will impact your tomorrow, and those opportunities will show how wise your decision making process is… Give it some thought, because while the end result of your decisions won’t always be what you wanted, you will not always be able to recover from them. Again, not everything can be attributed to “making a mistake”… not everything will be set right by taking responsibility and saying, “I’m sorry.”

To live life is to grow, learn, and better ourselves through experiences. New experiences in life are never explored grounds; they require you to be cautious, thoughtful and wary of “the outcome” but at the same time, welcoming of the potential lesson.
Life is a scary place that can only be made safe by the way we make decisions and the paths we set for ourselves.
Life will allow you to move forward from mistakes. Life, as I said, will help you grow from your mistakes when you courageously stand, admit, understand and learn from them BUT also trust that life won’t be forgiving when you refuse to receive the lessons you set yourself to learn from…

So last night, The Hubby and I got into one of those never ending debates we so passionately get into (some of our best momentsJ), that 1 hour later, all we could do (again) was to agree to disagree. This is what I said to him, “Baby, I am going to give you 2 scenarios and I want you to tell me if you agree with my interpretation of the two, or just tell me your perspective, and if it’s different than mine”… Here’s the scenario…

What if our son came home from school and said:
“Daddy, I had a math test today and I know I am going to get an F on it because I totally studied the wrong part of the syllabus and couldn’t answer any of the questions… I’m so mad at myself!”

OR, he comes home and says:
“Daddy I had a math test today and I got an F because I didn’t study and got caught cheating.”

Better yet, I went on to say:
“2 friends plan a hunting trip. While manipulating his riffle, one of them loses his balance and the rifle goes off, killing his friend… OR, “What if the same two friends were have having issues in their relationship (due to one’s jealousy and resentment for the other), to the point that the ‘friend” starts planning on how he can get rid of him. He plans a hunting trip where he puts his plan in action and kills his friend…”
Were they mistakes or bad decisions?”

And this started the debate J

Easily, you can guess that the hubby viewed both opposite scenarios as mistakes that you can learn from but for me it was crystal clear that even though the results are 1 and the same, they are 2 very different scenarios and not comparable…

For me, a mistake is something you did without intention. It’s the result of a decision you’ve made, as you were put in a position to make a choice. Options are presented and to the best of your ability, you’ll try to make what you feel is the right decision. Mistakes are situations that you find yourself in, that generate an outcome you had no control of. You had no proclivity in the said action that caused an undesired result and because you are not your mistakes, you can learn, grow and bounce back from that… Society will accept and know the authenticity of your admission of a mistake.

On the other end, a bad decision is while a decision was made intentionally, often without regard for the consequence. It is when you decide to ride that fine line between what’s right and what’s wrong. It would be a deliberate act, committed with the full knowledge that doing so was not only against the rules, but against what (as people with built in moral codes) we know to be right. You decide to take chances when knowing what the right thing to do is, when you’ve already lived prior consequences originating from the same action deemed wrong…
When ill feelings are used in your decision making process, or when the complete knowledge of the harm your actions could result in is evident, or when knowing right from wrong, you still chose to do wrong… You can no longer label it as a mistake… Life won’t allow it!

So the most important lesson in all of mistake making is that every one of us makes mistakes, every day of our lives. It is to trust that while mistakes are inevitable, if you can learn from it, no matter what happens, you’ll be able to get value from it and apply it to the betterment of you.
“Mistake” is an appeasing word in our growth process…let’s not use it in vain and try to hide behind it…

And you? What is your point of view? What's your take on this?
RosieSandz

Monday, April 6, 2015

I Have Yet To See The Rain Fall On One Man’s House…See The Bigger Pictures…


“I am a part of all that I have met; yet all experience is an arch where through gleams that untraveled world whose margin fades forever and forever when I move.”
~Alfred, Lord Tennyson

This is one of the poems that help me bring things into perspective when I’m down and in doubt… When I feel like shutting down and keeping to myself… The essence of it is so profound, that understanding its meaning is to know this moment is just that… a moment. A speck in the mesh of our connecting dots…

Unlike when we are content, cheerful, happy, and overwhelmed by what we recognize as blessings in our lives; we all have the tendency to dwell on our own misery and unhappiness … those moments we struggle with for good or bad reasons.
Unbeknownst to us (or more than likely subconsciously) we choose to outfit ourselves with horse’s blinkers as if we are alone in this race called life, as if no one else lives, has lived or will ever understand this moment in our life…

The human brain has a tricky way of functioning… We organically exude our happy, we naturally share our happies, we innocently flaunt our rewards, we display all because we want the world to know…I’m WELL and HIGHLY FAVORED but when life hits a bump in the road, when curve balls are being thrown at you at a speed you can’t keep up with, and when “the pretties” in your life take on an undesired shade, we all of a sudden forget to share and let our shoulders, our brains, and our hearts selfishly carry and horde the pain, the challenge, the aching and confusion…

"I am a part of all I have met" is undoubtedly the most reflective, insightful, and truthful confession I have ever come across. Because we are truly drawn together from our experiences, from the people we've interacted with, and from everything we've learned. We connect through our challenges, and our successes, etc… We undoubtedly share paths in more ways than we know or could ever imagine…
"I am a part of all I have met" …When you really understand the full commitment this sentence implies, it is as close to enlightenment and epiphany as you can experience.
Every experience you have had and every person you have met has had an effect on who you become and vice versa. And as you know, good or bad, every experience is made of little experiences that have lessons to be learned. You can go over (in your mind) an experience and it will always have a little more meaning when you know you’ve shared it with the world… and it will always have more meaning when you know you were never alone through your experience…

So when you are felling lost and alone, think of this sentence, “I have yet to see the rain fall on one man’s house” and picture it…

You’re not alone in all that brings reactions or emotions in your life. Others have made it through obstacles, setbacks - like the one you are experiencing right now - and so can you.
No man (or woman) is an island. No matter how alone you feel or how alone you try to be, you need others, you touch others and you affect others by your actions, your reactions, your words, your experience and even by the breath you take.

Because someone else survived this moment your are living now, know that there is always a brighter tomorrow...

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

- John Donne, Meditation XVII

SEE the bigger picture…
RosieSandz

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Commitment Will Turn Your Relationship Into a Marriage…

A successful marriage is a never ending conversation which can always be picked up as it never loses its relevance…
A successful marriage does not mean a perfect marriage… it only means, “Unreplaceable, challenged bliss” …
~Rose Sanderson 



Have you found the right person? But more importantly…  Are YOU the right person?

The Hubby, as I’ve said time and time again, is a mild mannered guy. To tell you the truth, I sometimes feel bad because this mouth and character of mine can be off the charts. He definitely like’s his peace and quiet, and enjoys his favorite way to resolve any and every “disagreement,” which is to figure out, “What would make me happy or what would I like for him to do”… Me on the other hand, I like to dig into the thick of things until we reach the impenetrable core; until I’ve peeled off and revealed every single layer, possibility, nuance, and meaning that would validate my thoughts and make me finally say, “Well, we can agree to disagree!”

Well… What do they say? You are going to learn!!! LOL… And I did. Got set straight on my toes (Gasps…)

I laugh but really this is what it’s all about… It’s about the changes “today” brings. It’s about the lessons the “moment” teaches and the willingness to accept the unfamiliar. So while you may skip a beat, and while you can be caught off guard, you quickly learn to assess and adjust because in this thing called marriage, there is truly no “pause” button… There’s no, “I really don’t want to deal with this, I’ll get back to it later!” Yeah… no such thing!

… Be ready for the necessary struggles and fights. They make you a better person, a better partner…

A few days ago, The Hubby and I got into a situation where I ended up feeling frustrated, as we were supposed to go somewhere as a family. As usual, BabyGirlLove Jazzy and I were running late (but definitely rushing)J! While running around trying to get ready, I overheard him making comments about the time to our son, which I felt was unnecessary. So of course, because I felt attacked, my reaction was, “Forget it! Me and BabyGirlLove will stay home”. The Hubby stormed into our bedroom and asked what was wrong with me?! I could hear that he was upset but geesh… it couldn’t be anything I haven’t dealt with before. I turned around, stood the tallest of my 5’3” that I could, and felt like I was staring straight at eye level against his 6’3” height. I just had time to blurt out the five first syllables of what was supposed to be a well calculated, smart a** answer, when he stopped me in my tracks with an icy-toned tirade, through clinched teeth, so only him and I could hear and feel the intensity.

The fact that I vowed “’til death do us part,” is the best ally I awarded myself… It keeps me anchored long enough to let doubt become a very surmountable interruption…

Who is this guy yelling at, me? You know that yelling that you do without having to raise your voice? The kind of yelling you sense through the tone of the voice and the depth of the stare? For those of you who have kids or for those who can remember that silent yelling your parents would use; that would stop you dead in the middle of your tracks??? Yes, who is this person reading me my rights, telling me about my exasperating spoiled brat attitude??? Who is this guy, that is actually making me think, that tone, that look, that intensity, that passion is actually appealing… sexy I might add… I like this different side of him…kind off J

This is new, this is different… This is what life together has been, this is what our partnership has been, and this is what our marriage is…

While in this instance I liked the change (I liked the different character streak I uncovered) there were times when those differences were hard ones to adjust to and accept. In the 18 years we have been married, so many times I’ve said to myself, “Why in God’s good name am I putting up with this?...This is not the person I thought I married… When is the better as opposed to the worse, supposed to start?...” and as soon as those beaten statements came across my mind, I automatically close my eyes and picture life (going forward) without him…without the laughter, the good times, the “bounce back” partner that he is… without the struggles, the tears, the doubts, and the pains that educate us. I remind myself of the battles we decided to turn into collaborations and to no fail. That’s when my eyes open up to a grass that couldn’t be any greener.
My eyes opened up to the certainty that I am where I need to be, where I was meant to be…with who I am undeniably meant to be with, not only because I love him but because I am In Love with him - which simply means I need him for my happiness… Yes after 18 years, there is no better than him…
We say for richer and poorer, through good times and bad times but should we also say through growth and changes? And welcome the hard learned, earned lessons and the sweetest, tender, gentle moments…

Commitment… My Saving Grace… Communication… The Answer

So as we get ready to celebrate 10+8 years of conjugal “unreplaceable challenged bliss,” I take into account the passed lessons of yesterday (which remains truer than ever) and the new ones which validate the fact that from then until now, this partnership, this thing called marriage is summarized by the word EVOLUTION.

So here are my takeaways

COMMITMENT is one of the most important components in a marriage. There will be days where doubts, aggravations, upsets, and life itself will make you question the value of your relationship. However your pledge to commit will make you stop from running off, it will make you add an additional 50% when you are already putting in 100%... Commitment will turn your relationship into a marriage...
Marriage is an ideology similar to “learning on the job.” Tomorrow can only unveil an even more evolved couple, if you are in it to succeed.
We don’t have to wait for the end (natural or by divorce), or for the accumulation of a certain number of years to determine or celebrate the success of your marriage. Celebrate daily because the end will leave you alone…
But above all, I would say the aptitude to have an honest, open communication (which at times can be very difficult) is the pinnacle to reach when wanting your marriage to last. All that is relevant will organically generate from communication. Commitment, trust, partnership, togetherness, and love wouldn’t survive without communication…


“A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”

― Dave Meurer
RosieSandz

Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Privilege of the Underprivileged…


The Privilege of the Underprivileged... or should I say, The Plague of the Privileged...

The words themselves clash when placed together... They seem to fight against each other as if they were never meant to be joined in the same breath...
Even reading it out loud, it doesn't slide off my tongue as easily as if I were to exchange the word "privilege" with "pain", "struggle" or simply "disadvantage." All because my mind (with all the preset), preconceived notions can't really conceptualize an underprivileged group of people, having any privilege...
Oxymoron... Not really. Sarcasm... It could be, if that is how I intended it to be. But truly, while I still find it paradoxical and absurd that what and who (in today's society) we consider underprivileged could have privileges, I can't help but to come up with that possibility… I considered this to be a certain truth after my last visit to my homeland, The Republic Democratic of Congo.

"To say someone is underprivileged is to imply that there is a standard of privileges to which everyone is entitled, privileges that have been unjustly withheld from the underprivileged."

I wanted to bring my children to Africa for several reasons. For starters, I wanted them to know where their mother was from; I wanted them to not only know about their origins but to a degree, give them the opportunity to experience their origins… I wanted them to understand and be able to accurately describe when asked, “What are your origins?” They really understood the “African” and the “American” part of being African American because they had the chance to live it… This was probably the most ambitious reason of all as we were only scheduled to be there for a short period of time…
A less ambitious reason, but nevertheless important, was that I wanted them to live realness, to know why compassion really needed to exist. I needed to show them life on the other side; life lived differently, so an exceeding sense of appreciation for what they have would make them even better humans (and members of the global society) than what they already are.
I wasn’t taking them to give myself proof or validity to the “great” upbringing we are giving them but more so for them to know they had no ground to stand on as far complaining was concerned.

Before the trip I gave them a rundown of what to expect (at least what my blurry memory remembers from my time visiting the RDC). In retrospect, I can see myself giving a “judgmental” heads up, while comparing the culture we live in (in America) and the one we were about to visit - comparing what defined progress to me, with what I felt were natural rights and accessibilities all humans must have, with what I felt they were robbed of. While a culture shock was going to happen for certain, I wanted them to be prepared at least mentally, so the experience wouldn’t be a traumatic one…                                                                           

I would love one day to have one of my children share with all of us what the experience had been for them. Telling us what they got out of it, what they learned from it (if anything)… I can’t tell you if I succeeded.
I hope I did succeed, not through the visions I put in their mind but because like me, they saw the reality of this different life through the eyes of the people we were in contact with… It’s safe to assume that their own eyes had been tainted by my warnings


We went to places in what we call cities. We visited areas that we would call suburbs. We drove through what we would call villages and through it all, I was judging against what I know to be the norm in my daily life… what I know to be my given rights to have, the minimal expectancy I thought we (as people) should be granted. I judged against my definition of progress… not excessive… marginal progress at best.

On our way to one of the most beautiful resorts outside the capital of Kinshasa, our convoy that consisted of a bus and 3 SUV’s drove through kilometers of red sanded road. Shacks and makeshift “homes” were on each side of the road. Our passage was leaving falling red dust long after the last car had passed. The rear view mirror couldn’t tell us if anyone one was behind us and while we couldn’t clearly see the car in front of us; we knew we were all together, as the mini sand storm we were creating was proof of the one just in front of us. All of the sudden we would see little ones, barefoot, partially dressed, running beside the cars, trying to keep up, laughing, waiving at us.
I couldn’t see the smiles on their faces… I couldn’t see the sparkles in their eyes and the fun they were having, because all I could think was, how could anyone live like this? All of this sand and excruciating heat. No paved streets, just rough-and-ready passage ways we called roads. How could they breathe in the polluted air? How can they function without… everything, how… how… how… HOW? So many questions preventing me from opening my eyes and seeing…
Seeing that even though we are the ones destroying their environments to make ourselves temporarily comfortable, they still had joy and found ways to work with the changes we brought…


 

To be happy is so tangible if we simply reach for it…







We parked the cars and started walking. My professional camera on hand, I start taking pictures… I could only take candid pictures as so many things were appearing in front of me. Little ones running around laughing, some playing hide and seek with me, some walking to or from the market with a load on top of their heads, and finally some approaching us so we could take pictures of them…
I stopped for a moment and showed a few of them pictures they had allowed me to take. And while they were giggling at their own images, I realized how life can be so cruel…
I was finally seeing the sparkles in their eyes, the white of their teeth from the beautiful smiles they had, the joy in their lives while showing us their dance moves to the beat of the music in their head; the pride they had from having us walk their ground… I was finally seeing genuine happiness and I was left speechless...  

The Privilege of the Underprivileged

While I will probably continue to consider most of those villagers and habitants of the underdeveloped countries “Underprivileged” – not because I still believe that there are natural rights that should not be granted, but to the contrary should be a given in anyone’s life in today’s world, however that justice is not yet reality – I have realized regardless of what I know to be an injustice, they do have privileges that most of us can only dream of… and one of them is The Privilege of unaffected, candid, unconditional happiness…
The easy road to happiness is what they march on every day. It is what they were blessed with. Because their lives have not been tainted by the materialistic, conditional relationships, or reward base competitions… they live by recognizing and appreciating the life they are given…the blessing that is to just be.
We in turn we have lost that candidness, we wallow at lost opportunities, we strive and only thrive when we get more than… our level of acceptability is based on a materialistic culture giving happiness a threshold, at times very difficult to attain.

How do I teach my children to forget all they have ever known to be true because only then they will know that everyone’s reality (different, and yet at times similar) has a value only an open mind and open heart will be able to appreciate…
In this last trip to my home I have finally learned that I could have been looked at as the savage and as the underprivileged one. And more importantly, I would give away much to have that sparkle in my eyes…


RosieSandz

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Money Can Save Love...

“It’s good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven’t lost the things that money can’t buy.”
~George Lorimer



Yes that is what I believe… And don’t read into what I didn’t write!
Let’s be clear, when I say “Money can save love,” what I’m NOT saying is, “Money is the only thing that can save love.” This is a very important difference to highlight. Money, in conjunction with other things, will save love… because love does need sustaining, love needs help!

LIES! LIES! LIEEEEEESSSS are being spewed by those who say they'd live out of a cardboard box (let’s add moldy box to make this even more dramatic), under a bridge, be content with passionate encounters in the back of truck, calling home his or her parents basement and even better… surviving off water and bread, just as long they got love... LIES! When they say love is the most important thing they need, and that they are comfortable bringing kids into this world with no money, or plans of making money because they believe LOVE will conquer all… this is clearly LIES or they are clearly clueless…

I’m smiling as I finish writing my intro to this blog because I can hear the hissing and the booos J. So while you might still believe in this notion that love is the end-all, be-all, after reading my thought process and what life has taught me, I hope you will be willing to share with me your point of view.

“Money isn't the most important thing in life,
but it's reasonably close to oxygen on the "gotta have it" scale.”
 ~Zig Ziglar

So, The Hubby and I met 24 years ago and yes I must admit, at the cusp of being 20 with no responsibilities, I was one of those people who thought all we needed was love… Oh sweet naivety J.
I thought “Happily ever after” was guaranteed after finding who I knew to be the one. Speaking from experience, I can say that fairy tale is exactly that… a fairy tale. The truth is that having and maintaining a relationship is not easy. The divorce rate tells us that love is not enough. Even though it is a potent ingredient, it is not enough to make sure you will travel through life’s experiences, hard times, questionable times, naïve and unscathed. Many other dynamics are needed to keep a relationship going and money comes really close!
Love gives you wings - it gives you a sense of security and gives you that sense of nothing is impossible, just as long as you have “Love.” But my belief is, that love through course of lifetime is ever changing. What was feeding your new love is different from what is feeding your current love today, with the same person or… with someone different. Love is the constant reminder of why we are in the relationship, love will give an advantage to your relationship when it needs to be fought for but love (while it is the most important thing to experience, or to have) will not eradicate the need of money in your life. Money gives us what is needed to make it work, to make that foundation that is love, grow stronger, sheltered.

I read somewhere “You can wear all the stupid armbands, ribbons & pins you want. Until you cut your charity a check, it ain't Love.” I laughed but it is true… Love needs backing… Love needs action…

We grew up, we matured, we acquired given responsibilities, made tough decisions and made mistakes that affected our way of life, all the while having money at times or none most of the time! I did marry for love, and I’m still in it for love because I made sure I didn’t fall in love with a man who had no aspirations, or goals, or deep desire to take care of us… His family.
While love helped us think twice before giving up and giving in, the fact that both of us knew that it was not okay to have the minimum, that we had to strive for better, that we knew that “moldy cardboard box” underneath the Brooklyn Bridge wasn’t an option for us, the fact that we knew that we needed to break our back and find money is one of the main reasons we are still together … in love. We are partners in this thing called life. We are not actors in a Happily Ever After movie in LaLa land. It’s not always 50/50.  Most of the time it’s 70/30 and it changes, depending on circumstances but the key is, that we have learned, to be in it forever, love is one of the common denominators. Love will remind us why we are in it but in addition, dedication, acceptance, willingness to sacrifice and money (with all it brings you, i.e., peace of mind, security, life’s necessities, etc.) will facilitate growth in us and our love.

Love, true love, long lasting love is a luxury. It’s a gift that you seek and focus on finding, when all of your other basic needs (food, shelter, clothing...) are met. When you have the peace of mind that while tomorrow is not promised without challenges, you have the ability to provide and rise above the things that can shake and put a strain on that love. But think about it, what do you need to have these basic needs? Money, right? So what makes you think that money can’t save love?
Money can save love… Money just can’t buy real love...

“Money may not buy love, but it sure makes one hell of a down payment to my happiness” I’m just saying…

            “Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made like bread…
Remade all the time, made new…
All the time, made new…”
Amy E. Dean

RosieSandz

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Trusting The Timing of Life, in Our Lives...


 “Happy New Year my Friends…
To the continuation of yesterday, towards a rewarding tomorrow…”
RS~

This was my "send off" into 2014 for myself and to you all. 
How rewarding were our tomorrows?
Did we accomplish what we wanted to?
To assess or not to assess?
Why do this to myself, why do we do this to ourselves?

The lesson learned was that no one's life worth was to be measured in 365 days. Every day we plant the seed of new beginnings and every new day we nurture and cultivate what was started yesterday… I realized that no goal or achievement could ever give me an everlasting happiness, because at any given moment, it can surely fade away…

The lesson learned was in realizing that time is not the beginning of the end but on the contrary, it should be our most cherished asset. Instead of setting goals or expectations with limitations, realize that time is limitless and our time is out of our hands…
Time is that minute within the hour…that second within the minute… that millisecond within a concept, a thought. Time is not made to track progress or to calculate pressure. Knowing time is not as important as knowing what you do with your time; what can be accomplished with your time.

Part of being human is mastering the actions that stem from the word "want" in all of its tenses (what we want, what we wanted, what we are wanting, etc.)… and this is really not a bad thing. Where we unknowingly sell ourselves short is when we set limitations. It's when we let time define our actions as success or failures, instead of realizing that we learn from life experiences and intentionally continue to grow and evolve in the directions we choose.
I’ve learned to live through obstacles and interferences, and at times I feel very disconnected because of the changes around me. But I’ve also learned to circle back to the core of who I am and reconnect with who I believe I am meant to be.

This past year, work took over…
Priorities shifted, the focus became conical, and so many times I felt as though life, as I knew it, love and living had been interrupted.
BUT was I wrong…
So yes, I do have to assess. I do have to take account of what yesterday was. And this is not to determine what was wasted in the past year of my life (failure), or if I made something good (success) out of it. It's because I have realized that the story of me, the life I live today doesn’t end and restarts at the end of the countdown, or the drop of the ball. I know that my life is a thread of moments… it is continuity.

I believe success is a journey of multiple peaks and valleys. Trust the timing of life in your life. Trust that if it was meant to be, it will be but only when you are ready for it… Life will get in the way of your goals and resolutions have them if you need them to guide but don’t confine them or be define by them…give it time, give yourself time. This way you can do what you wish but also let life be and not demand anything out of it; because happiness can turn into unhappiness in a blink of an eye, if you were to not get what you expected or demanded when you expected or demanded it!

“It has never been matter of wonder to me that human resolutions are liable to change; one passion gives them birth, another may destroy them.”
― Antoine François Prévost


Cheers to 2015 and the gift of continuity!
RosieSandz
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