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Tynt

Saturday, April 25, 2015

My Heart on These Pages...


If you could write a message to (each one of) your children, and put it in a time capsule for them to read 20, 30 years from now, what would you write to them?

There are so many things I would love to write to them. Hopefully, things that I have said millions of times before like, “I Love You” or “I Love You Most”… Doesn't matter how much you've said it, there will never be enough time to say it enough. There isn’t a day when I don’t say it… my goal is that they take that fact at face value, not take it for granted, bank it, and see it fortify like a strong investment...
So yes, I would start my message by not asking them if they know how much I love them but simply by saying, as usual, “I Love You… I Love you most.”

Although I always wanted to have children, no one could have ever made me understand how rewarding and binding the love would be; no one could have explained to me how much my life would change after having my babies, and now we’re here. The reality of it all is that I don’t want to have to write a message I couldn’t tell them myself, as it translates to separation and the realities that life’s journey brings.

Today, I said bye to my 3 babies, and while I settled for my flight away from them, I feel this familiar pain. I feel like I am having a heart attack. The bands of my bra are constricting my chest, make breathing difficult. I do what has become a ritual for me. I look out the small window and I release. I release by surrendering to God (remember it is always at your most challenging, vulnerable moment that you remember The ONE who is really in control… and lately, HE is more than ever in the forefront of my mind). “God I put my life in your hands because only you know what "IS" for me. If anything would happen to me, please make sure my babies grow up knowing the love I gave them is everywhere to be found ... and allow them to find it quickly. Please don't let TheHubby ever feel as though his shoulder will never be strong enough to carry our family on his own. And while I leave it in your loving hands, know that my deepest desire is to be the one to give them the love throughout their life's moments, and to be TheHubby's partner in carrying our family."

I would tell them how their happiness became my main purpose in life…
Not too long ago, my son-by-another-mom (my nephew Deff J) posted the sweetest picture of a young him with my babygirl, with a caption that read “Nostalgic”.  My heart melted faster than an ice cream cone under the Arizona heat. As a comment I wrote,

“This squeezes my heart in places only you, my babies (I gave birth to two but I could swear I had five) can. I'm so overwhelmed by the blessing I have as life is allowing you all to grow together. When you will become the amazing father I know you will be, you will understand how much of a relief it is to know that your children have that brother/sister, that sibling love that transcends everything and anything…While I'm assured that I have many years ahead of me, I can't help to think sometimes of when that one day comes and as a parent I will have to say goodbye; to know that bond of yours is there brings an amazing peace in my heart. I Love you; love you all...so much”

My father used to say, “Your wealth is determined by your children.” Even knowing and believing his wisdom, I came to know that my kids were my purpose in life when I carried my first born in my arm and 3 years later, my babygirl. The first time I got to hold him, something changed in me. I became aware that there is more than me, there’s more than me and my happiness because from that day forward, my happiness was contingent on someone else’s.
In my message I would remind them how their smile made me the happiest; how their laugh would make my life brighter.
I would hope that when they open the capsule, I’d still be around as I know there will be so many more things I could teach them, tell them and show them...

The joys of having and raising a child are unmeasurable! The responsibility is tremendous but outweighs the idea of not having them. The privilege of being their mother is indescribable as they have taught me more about life, love, and myself, than anyone who has ever been in my life. They have changed my perception of what life is and should be.
While I liked to think that I am their world, I will let them KNOW that they are mine…
While I liked to believe I am being a role model I will let them KNOW that they are/were behind every decision I ever made…
I would tell them that they’ve shown and made me discover things which in turn, allowed me to teach them about life…

Many of you are wondering why I'm writing this post which they could potentially see and that is exactly my point...
My message to them needs to resonate like a song they love to hear time and time again, like a movie they've seen so many times that they know the sequence of each frame...
My message would be for them a déjà vu and not a narrative of what I should've said or should've done...
I would end by saying, “In this life journey of yours, the two things you always have to remember is to LIVE it according to values you are comfortable with and to LOVE it because you are in control of your happiness…You are the only legacy that matters in my life, I truly hope that the person you both will become is one you love as much as I loved being part of the ground work.”

Everything is as it should be; everything is going to be alright. Trust in that. Trust that you will always end up where you’re meant to be. Tragedy and challenging situations will teach you important lessons that you never dreamed you were going to learn.  
      Remember, often times when things are falling apart, they are actually falling into place         

In my capsule there will be a gift for each one of them. My gift will be a bonded book(s) of all my Life Lessons for when they need help and I’m no longer there to guide them and for them to understand the person I was…


Remember… I Love YOU Most…
RosieSandz
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