I love being married. It’s so
great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your
life.
~Rita Rudner
In exactly a week, The Hubby and I will reach 19 years of
marriage. What a celebration! I can't sometimes help but to think for us 19
years=21 years for the 2 years we lived together before tying the knot. I’ve forgone
the prior 4 years of dating but the 2 years we lived together do count when
looking at our relation’s journey. After all, strides and setbacks don’t start
when you say ‘I Do”. I've also always said that I’m an advocate of living
together before getting married, because if you don’t, the things you are going
to find out after the he “cantdonothingwrongyears” will make you feel like you
married the devil’s brother or got tricked into a bad joke! IJS…
I’ve also stated before (and today it still stands true) how
amazed I am of how long we’ve been together and what we've accomplished… Not a
day is taken for granted. I mean, it took and still takes lots of
patience, sprinkled with God’s grace to deal with my husband’s habits (and
peculiar behavior at times), especially since the dust of lust has settled, the
honeymoon years are WAY back there in our past, and cupid has taken back his
arrow to find brand new lovers.
4 years ago in one of my post I said
“No one will ever hear me brag about having the perfect marriage, the
perfect man or that I’m the perfect wife. You will hear me brag about the fact
that I have learned, worked and grown within our relationship and we are where
we are because we’ve committed to making it work. Really, I look over my
shoulder and re-live our history and I’m amazed by the good, the bad, the
irreplaceable, the joyous, the sad, the scary, the milestones, the
accomplishments, the deceptions, the rewards, the losses and the blessings
we’ve accumulated over the years.”*I've Been
Wowed...
And today our relation still stands true to that statement. Our
19 year journey has been the most humbling, selfless experience and one of the
greatest sources of lessons learned in my life. Irreplaceable lessons which again
were/are generated from joys, pains, sacrifices, blessings and pleasures.
As I reflect on our years together and the learning
experience it has been, I decided to tackle, for the 2nd time, the hard task of
narrowing down and picking 19 of those lessons which sticks out the most for me
So here it goes…. (In no particular order)
1. Brace yourself this ride is NOT for wussies
and quitters… There should never be an instance or time where you are left
alone to navigate through this journey. For better or worse is what you sign up
for and it is what you will go through ...together! BUT remember (if/before/when
you ever feel like throwing the towel) getting through the "worse"
will make your "better" the sweetest victory. We say for richer
and poorer, through good times and bad times but should we also say through
growth and changes? And welcome the hard learned, earned lessons and the
sweetest, tender, gentle moments…
2. This may come as a shock to many but NO
one is perfect… Don’t elevate your spouse to a pedestal. Although they will
try to live up to it, you will be the one on the disappointing end when they
fail. Be realistic with your expectations. We are just human with shortfalls,
flaws and we all make mistakes. I've learned one thing which is that I am
part of a common pool. I am a mortal not absolute to faults. I had to learn to
swallow my pride and admit my wrongs if I expected The Hubby to do the same.
3. Be open-minded, it’s so much more than now…
Any giving day you should be ready to wake up, deal with and learn something
new about your partner. You started your relationship loving all the same
things (or being so smitten that you were okay pretending you loved the same
things). Then it was pretty clear who was the dominant person in your relation.
Going through a marriage is like starting a new job and having to “learn on the
job.” You are thrown in it with a bunch of ideology but until you are in it you
don’t really know what the future holds. Be open-minded, don’t get overwhelmed
by the changes, tomorrow can only unveil an even more evolved couple, if you
are in it to succeed. It is safe to say that we have learned so much from each
other, our differences allowed us to balance, set the scales to our advantage.
“A great marriage is not when the
'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy
their differences” ~Dave Meurer
4. I
will never say this enough… PICK YOUR
BATTLES WISELY!!! The difference between Love and War is that in Love you
have to fight fair… You will disagree, you will fight, you will feel like
grabbing a pot of boiling hot water and turn it upside down above their head so
it could clean out all differing thoughts from their brain BUT can you imagine if you had to do that every time???... Save that
energy… those socks thrown on the floor as if they are invisible are not worth your
time and energy. So indeed…Pick wisely because disagreements WILL happen.” The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for
resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance,
control? You’ll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a
competition that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It’s
not a competition, it’s a partnership.” ~Dr. Phil
5. You alone must make you happy… If
you're not happy with yourself, you'll never be happy in any situation. It
starts with you and really ends there too… You really can't rely on someone
else to make you happy; a wakeup call from making that mistake will be the
hardest reality check of them all. Ultimately you want to find a partner that
would fit into your life goals and that… THAT
would be the crowning achievement in your relationship. That would be the best
reward.
6. Enjoy the moments… Responsibilities
will start increasing, goals will get bigger, and stress will take over but
remember how, why and where you started and how happy you were. Press “pause”
and create peaceful moments, enjoy the little things that mean the most. You
don’t want to achieve your goals and let go of everything that matters along
the way
7. Protect your relationship… Do whatever
it takes. Make that your commitment, not just to your partner but to your relationship.
No one can or should do the work for you. Privacy goes a long way: All
intention and attention might be good but not needed. Before you get to the point where you thing
you need someone else to intervenes, someone like a family member, a good
friend, a man of God or even a counselor make sure together you’ve done the
work. There is no one other than the both of you that should know and
understand the other and why you are at the place you now stand. Make your home
a shelter, your solution ground, the place where all is transparent, genuine. There
is no room for ego tripping in your “Storm Shelter”. Be each other number 1
cheerleader; don’t let anyone else stroke their ego more than you; validation
that matters and has any substance needs to come from you!
8. The company you keep… Don’t let
negativity into your circle. While meeting new people, establishing new
relation and navigating through existing ones, remember the simple goal is to
find and associate yourself with people so good that friendship and family
becomes a blur…
9. Kids are a game changer in any relations…
Be on a winning side! All I am saying is “don’t
fall asleep on them rascals” because next thing you know they have taken
over! Don’t get me wrong, I love my babies more than anything on this earth.
That being said, nothing has ever been the same in our marriage after baby #1
came along. Discuss any issues that arise when they arise. Remember it’s the 2
of you on them and no other way. You're dog-tired and being pulled so many
different ways, your focus starts to switch slowly but surely and all of a
sudden that balance (between the attention your hubby needs and what the kids
need) you promised yourself to always maintain has completely leaned over toward
the kids. Having kids will put your marriage through a rollercoaster. It's the
toughest but most rewarding responsibilities I've taken upon and to do it with
him is definitely icing on my cake so make sure that scale always rests heavier
on the winning side…Your Partner!
10. Arguing without a point is…pointless! Learn
to let go. Sometimes talking things thru is not the thing to do. Remember there
is always that other solution which is “We will agree to disagree”…
11. Make It (SEX) a Priority… I really
shouldn’t have to elaborate on this because in my book SEX is the most
important component in a happy relation. With that being said… J
It is one of my struggles as far as maintaining it readily available for the
hubby. There are so many times where it’s plainly the last thing I'd be
interested in as I go back to all of the reasons why I am exhausted, busy and a
list of excuses we come up with... but connecting on that level is essential to
everything else. He is good at reminding me and I enjoy being reminded…
12. Best Friend and confident… Marriage is
knowing someone has your back. Always. And you have theirs. It's about
interdependence. Marriage is thinking about the other one not being there
anymore and not being able to grasp the thought. I love that sense of security
I have knowing that I share my nights and days with my bestest friend and the
confident of my deeeeepest fears and joys. You don’t need to do everything
together, be each other’s official or unofficial best friend; but while cultivating
your own friendship, make sure you know each other friends.
13. Grudges are a waste of time… Be ready
for the necessary struggles and fights, but move on quickly from them. Learning
and moving on will make you a better person, a better partner… Life is too
short for you to hold on to that minute moment and let it affect the life you
want to build. There is too much energy wasted in holding on to rancor, and
believe me this, You (the one holding the grudge) will be left alone in that
misery state because they (the one you hold the grudge against) will happily
move on to better things… Don’t sabotage your happiness.
14. Commitment… My Saving Grace… It is
one of the most important components in a marriage. There will be days where
doubts, aggravations, upsets, and life itself will make you question the value
of your relationship. However your pledge to commit will make you stop from
running off, it will make you add an additional 50% when you are already
putting in 100%... Commitment will turn your relationship into a marriage...
15. Communication… The Answer… But above
all, I would say the aptitude to have an honest, open communication (which at
times can be very difficult) is the pinnacle to reach when wanting your
marriage to last. All that is relevant will organically generate from
communication. Commitment, trust, partnership, togetherness, and love wouldn’t
survive without communication…
16. Laugh… The hubby and I get into this
endless hysterical laughs, he comes up with the craziest jokes and stories and
most of the time, and it’s just about us and our silliness. This lightens up
our days and nights; nothing beats a good laugh…
17. Want to be in it…! There is no magic
wand to make your marriage work, you have to want it. As I said several times,
love is not the end-all or be-all to a marriage. It’s a must-have ingredient
that needs to be cultivated, but much more is needed to make the relationship
lasting. Fairy tales of happily-ever-after don’t exist; life tales of
making-it-ever-after do. Thinking your marriage is going to be a lasting
success just because you’re in love is a BIG mistake. Tina Turner said it best
“What’s love got to do with it?”
18. Compromise… is that nasty prescription
pill you have to take to make things better. Know that you are equal partners
but also know when to take a step back and let the other shine; every situation
requires a leader but to accomplish and solve those situations you need to work
as a team.
19. The word…after it’s said… Words once spoken cannot be unspoken or
erased; they can never be taken back. One may attempt to take them back but the
damage is already done. Hurtful words not only sting deep, but also leave
lasting scars, so make sure you own everything that comes out of your mouth.
After all is said and done, there’s really no recovering from it!
“At
times, we forget the weight that words carry and how irreversible (good or bad)
and lasting the aftermath can be. You can always sincerely seek forgiveness and
forgiveness may be granted but remember that forgetting is a totally different
beast to tame”*Looking Back
20. Bonus… R.E.S.P.E.C.T… Do I need to elaborate
on this? Naaaaa…
RosieSandz
